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johnrossbowie)
with a terse social commentary: Brittany Murphy's NYT obit ends with an Ashton Kutcher tweet. Can't we even *try* to slow the decline of humanity? Seriously, New York Times. Let's get it together.
sambumbia)http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/dis_s
Take the Enneagram indicator and tell me what you are! I am a sucker for personality tests...
I am a 7, which is the Enthusiast!
johnrossbowie)Groggy and pre-coffee this morning, I went on Twitter and noticed that Ben Nelson was a ‘trending topic.’ – a topic that a lot of people are tweeting about. Since most trending topics are usually ‘glee’ or ‘rihanna’ or ‘#youknowyoustupidwhen,’ I was very intrigued by this name I did not recognize. Turns out he’s a Dem Senator from Nebraska, and after a lot of coddling, he was the 60th vote on health care. A bill so watered down it is damn close to the “don’t ask, don’t tell’ of health care reform, but it’s a start. I do honestly believe that. When you click on a trending topic on your Twitter main page, it take you to all the recent tweets on that topic – and I came across a gentlemen who goes by Serpicolugnut, out of Atlanta, who twitterfollows Hannity, Palin and a couple of other Republicans that I’m glad my GOP Dad didn’t live to see.
First thing this morning, he writes: Nelson, Landrieau are whores at the Gov't troff. 2009 will go down as the year the American people took it in the ass from the Democrats.
All right. Couple things. 2000-2008 were the years that the American people took it in the ass sans lube and without a morning after call from the Republicans, and also – There’s a REASON that ‘troff’ has a squiggly red line underneath it. I was gonna let it slide but then I saw – Obama made how much off of his books? Compared to me, he's one obese feline. #shutupobama
Preceded by: I long for a President who doesn't insult large chunks of Americans by calling them "fat cats". Unbelievable.
And I flew off the handle. Not cool. I bristle at anyone who implies that Obama’s an elitist. Our last two Democratic Presidents have been raised by single mothers in less than favorable circumstances – if they’re elite, it’s not because they were born into it, it’s because they scrapped their way there through intelligence, persistence and a phenomenal work ethic that would be alien to George W. Bush. So I picked a fight. I’m a bully, and the worst kind – an intellectual bully, who picks on people who are not only stupid, but also have no chance of kicking his ass in reality. You address someone on Twitter by leading with their name and an ‘at’ symbol.
@serpicolugnut See, that's weird, I long for a President who doesn't call 'fatcats' his 'base.'
He responds
@johnrossbowie 'FatCats' are the engine of our economy. They create jobs. When was the last time you ever got a job from a poor person?
I'll grant you -- it's been a while. But a 'fatcat' -- someone who gets obscenely wealthy off of other peoples work -- is not the same as an entrepreneur. Serpicolugnuts is not done:
@
JohnRossBowie not to mention, they are also Americans. Any President that denigrates hard working Americans should be ashamed of himself
homeless_wino)
Okay, they were showing the wedding in Las Vegas episodes this morning on TBS. Here was the problem. The wedding episode is actually a two-part, two-hour special. TBS begin the special at 7:00 am, a time when I, because I could care less about getting to work on time, am still very much asleep. I usually start my day rolling out of bed around 7:20am. I feed the cats, check on the weather, then flip over to TBS to see what episode of SBTB they’re showing. If it’s an episode I’ve seen a billion times I can leave it on while I get dressed, take a shit, etc…only sort-of paying attention to catch an anachronistic plot point I may have previously missed or Slater saying some gay shit. If it’s an episode I have only seen once or twice I put in some more time in front of the screen averting my focus only to shoo my cats away from the tv or to tell my fiancée to shut the hell up because I’m trying to concentrate. Yeah, yeah, I love you too but shhhhhhh…I’m trying to figure out if their prom is harvest themed or hoe-down themed? God is in the details kids. The reason I’m letting you peak behind the curtain to watch the master at work is because I care deeply about what I do here and I care deeply about most of you. Well, some of you. Rather than gypping you by reviewing and analyzing 25% of the final fucking episode of SBTB, I’d rather write something else today and do a full review of the whole special (which in many ways, though it’s technically part of The College Years, is a return to form for the Bayside gang while at the same time involving the more “adult” oriented issues the College Years was known for such as diamond smuggling and white slavery) another time. So, without further ado, let’s all hop in the wayback machine and set it for early 1993 to look at a moment from this author’s life he likes to call Episode X – ‘The Time I Auditioned for Saved By The Bell: The New Class.’
1993. Clinton was in the white house, Kurt Cobain had only attempted suicide once, Michael Jackson was still legitimately liked and respected by all walks of life, Reebok ‘Pumps’ and Raiders jackets were all the rage in terms of articles of clothing you could be shot to death for wearing, and a young me with his fresh to death spiky hair, braces, and X-Force t-shirt was about to get a very interesting letter in the mail. See, my booze and drug addled memory wants to place this occurrence in late 1993 yet the endless pit of knowledge that is Wikipedia puts the airdate of the first episode of The New Class as September of 1993 so this whole process had to have gotten started at least a few months prior. Let’s just say, fuck, it was February of 1993. My parents moved me and my sister out to New Jersey in 1988, away from both the hustle and bustle of New York City and all my friends and loved ones. Lonely and despondent at only eight years old, my parents thought, what better way to guarantee he grows up all sortsa damaged than to enroll him in community theater! Thanks mom and dad. Remind me to punch both of you in the back of the head when I’m home for the holidays next week. Yep, yours truly was a big time drama geek. I did it all from deadly serious “teen plays” where we tackled issues like, gasp!, “peer acceptance” and ,shock!, “abortions”, to improv comedy where I assure you I did a shit ton of hilarious “physical feezes.” Ahhh…good times. While my peers were awkwardly groping their way to first base, I was in a drafty, run down theater on the outskirts of town pretending a toilet paper roll was a lightsaber. Seriously, thanks mom and dad. By the time seventh grade rolled around I was acting my Boyz-II-Men loving heart out both in school and in community theater. Such a mainstay on the local K to 8 acting circuit was I that I was one of the select few sent an invitation to try out for a MAJOR HOLLYWOOD TELEVISON SERIES!! Yessir, my dad showed me the letter after school one afternoon. It was sent to him by the local community theater director who was on a first name basis with my entire family at that point. Written on official NBC letter head was information about auditions for a proposed new series: Saved By The Bell: The New Class. SBTB in its original incarnation, having long outstayed its welcome, was a few months from being off the air entirely at that point. While I recall no one really watching the show anymore (we had all moved on to more adult faire like Animaniacs), everyone knew about SBTB. This was the big leagues. The letter stated that they were scouring the nation for a new cast of fresh-faced youngsters (erm..kind of..more on that later) and were hitting up any local theater director they could find, encouraging them to have the best and brightest of their youngest submit an audition tape. What they were specifically looking for here was someone to play the part of “Weasel”, the new-fangled, Screech-esque bumbling sidekick. Looking back, I should have been more insulted than flattered that I was specifically singled out for the part of the ‘dweeb asshole’ but all I could think of at the time was that this was my ticket out of loserville, New Jersey and into the coke fueled vortex of Hollywood where I would blast rails and crash cars with the cast of The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles or something.
The memo specified two things: 1.) I was to tape myself acting out part of the script they had enclosed and 2.) Was I to actually get the part, I would have to relocate to Los Angeles for a minimum of six months. I discussed the second part with my parents. They said we’d deal with it once I actually got the part. Looking back, they didn’t seem too concerned. Way to believe mom and pop. Now, look, my parents are about the farthest thing away from “stage parents” you can imagine. Knowing what I know now thanks to hours upon hours spent watching the E! channel, when you send in an audition tape, you don’t really act out the scene. Rather, you read the lines while being filmed close up. The point of these tapes is so the casting people can get a good look at you, determine how much better you’d look under twenty pounds of base makeup, and make sure you can speak at least a little English. You don’t get down to actually “acting” until you’ve already deposited a fat check from the network and show up to set hungover for the first day of filming. I did not know this. My parents did not know this. Curiously, my local community theater director also, did not know this. What’s that they say? Those who can’t do, teach? I digress. With the only support I received from my parents being a semi-enthusiastic thumbs up, I was left to my own devices to get this audition tape made. Fortunately I had a leg up. Aside from being king drama nerd at my school I also had a key knee deep in both the computer club AND the AV club. I really diversified my geek portfolio in middle school. After some smooth talking with the poor teacher who was put in charge of the AV club, I was granted use of one of the school’s gigantic camcorders for one afternoon. On a sweet talking roll, I got the school’s librarian to let us use the school’s library one day after school to shoot my audition. I recall having to produce legitimate paper work to make a lot of this happen and to put the school administration at ease that we weren’t actually going to film bum fights or orgies. Still figuring they needed me to act out the whole goddamned scene (which was to take place in Belding’s office) I recruited some of my friends to play the other rolls. Actually, I recruited the only two actual friends I had and had them bring in a few of their friends to fill out the parts. Yep, it was like that. I photocopied the scene for them so they could view their lines (which, now that I think about it, was super, mega illegal), and we agreed to meet next week after school to shoot this.
Now, I had tried my best to keep this audition on the hush hush. Mainly because it felt cool to secretly know that why I may have been, as one jerky kid would often refer to me, “a nobody”, at school, Hollywood was breaking down my door to get me into a green-lit network series, but principally because if I bragged and bragged and then didn’t get the part, I’d be seen as even more of a dipshit than I already was. But as plans go, plans will go awry. One day after gym class my friend and I were doing our normal routine of waiting until all the other kids had left the locker room before we changed. While changing back into my K-mart brand Zoobaz pants (which I also got made fun of for wearing as, I don’t know if this was the case in your school in the early 90’s, K-Mart represented the nadir of white trash as opposed to a place where you could buy knock-offs of stupidly priced clothes for a reasonable price. Though not destitute by any means, my folks knew the value of a good bargain and didn’t understand why they should buy me super expensive Timberland boots when Payless made their own brand priced at 2 pairs for $15? Though they were ultimately correct, mean kids don’t give a shit about overhead. Let me put it this way, I was in a school district where a lot of the kids were given brand new Escalades as birthday presents a few years before they could even legally drive. Class warfare!) I confessed my worries of having to uproot my family and move across the country should I get the part (god knows why because all I would be leaving was a town I didn’t like, a school full of kids who hated me, and friends that would only hang out with me because there was a chance they would be seen by a casting agent? They did have a dope comic book shop though!). My friend offered me moral support by saying that he could probably convince his dad to move them across the country too so I wouldn’t be completely alone. Looking back on it, I had the first leeching member of my entourage before I even got the part! Suddenly, I spot the head of this jerky kid pop around the corner of the gym lockers. There had been another kid still in the locker room this whole time! He blurts out ‘you’re going to be on Saved By the Bell!!??” Before I could adequately explain the situation to him, he took off running to spread the gossip. I know this sounds convoluted and, well, like an actual SBTB episode but I assure you this is how it really happened. The whole school was buzzing by lunch time that day. That particular student had told another student who told another student who had forced confessions out of the AV club teacher and the librarian, legitimizing my story. I normally ate lunch at the outcast table that consisted of my “friends’ and the foreign exchange student, the wheelchair bound kid, and the kid who talked funny who wore that hearing aid like thing in his ear. But that day our group was disrupted by a constant stream of students; many of whom who had never talked to me before or had tried to beat me up only days prior. They all wanted to know if I was indeed going to be on SBTB? Being a socially awkward dork, I first denied it. Bad move. The entire school already had corroborating evidence to the contrary including sworn statements from adults! Hey! I TECHNICALLY wasn’t going to be on SBTB. I mean, it was sort-of the truth? The student body didn’t buy it and I got a lot of “yeah rights!’ after I denied my claim and a lot of threats that my “faggot ass” was going to get beat up if I was lying. Oh, the catch 22 of junior high. You’re dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. In my fellow student’s eyes, I was already a movie star. Many saw me in a new light but most just got angrier with me as they couldn’t understand while this awesome thing was happening to the fat kid with the pictures of Spider-Man he cut out from Previews magazine taped up in his locker? I spent the rest of that week ducking questions and trying not to cry as I was pointed at and whispered about in the halls.
So, the day of the audition was finally upon us. Many of the new “friends” I had acquired that week tried to sneak into the library to watch us as everyone knew at that point what was going down when. The school janitor had to actually lock the door to prevent gate crashers, a first for the library. I started off the tape by introducing myself and then set about introducing the rest of the cast to the camera. Following the stage direction set up in the script, I positioned myself wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy in the back of the library while my friends did their lines up close to the camera. Re-watching the tape a few years later it’s a bunch of kids with zero acting experience alternately shouting and whispering their lines with a barely-audible me, who was supposed to be the focus, shoved way in the back of the library pretending the card catalog was a computer. End scene. Yeah, I wouldn’t hire myself either. Pleased as punch with how everything went down in the half-hour we were allotted by the library, I popped the tape out of the camcorder and gave it to my dad to mail off to casting director Robin Lippin. Months and months went by with no word. I assumed it was because Hollywood was deciding how many more zeros they were going to add to my paycheck. Though SBTB fever had died down somewhat at my school, I’d still have the odd kid approach me every now and then asking when I was going to be on tv. This would continue, albeit a lot less frequently, throughout high school as well. Shit, someone even brought it up at my reunion last year (though they couldn’t recall my name). In any event, one day I arrived home to find a package addressed to me from LA! This was it! My big break! So long suckberg! See you in the pictures! I tore open the envelope to find my audition tape with a Post-It note attached to it reading “Thank you for the tape. We all enjoyed watching it. However, the other people we have cast are all in their twenties and you are just too young. Best of luck, Robin Lippin.” Wow! It was the nicest way any one has ever told me I suck dick at something that I did completely wrong in the first place. I understand Hollywood is really good at letting people down easy. It also didn’t occur to me how little they thought of my tape to actually send it back rather than hang on to it in case some other director was looking for a brace faced fat kid for something which I understand is pretty much policy.
So there ended my first brush with almost being on a poorly rated television show. My seventh grade life quickly went back to being tunafish sandwiches and avoiding bullies after school normalcy. But don’t fret! Life would see it fit to almost cast me on another show years later only to snatch it away from me at the last minute when I was old enough to fully appreciate the feeling of having ones hopes and dreams burnt up in front of their face. Bitter? Not me! Now excuse me, I have to go get coffee for a dude who’s two months younger than me. Thanks Hollywood.
Postscript: The person who eventually got the part of Weasel was Issac Lidsky. After a dismal first season, NBC bigwigs made some big time cuts including giving half the cast of The New Class the proverbial axe. Lidsky was amongst those shown the door. Execs brought back in the big gun known as Screech to play assistant principal of Bayside. The show hobbled along until the year 2000 if you can believe it! After being fired, Lidsky went blind! Seriously! He later went to Harvard Law and became the first blind US Supreme Court Clerk. I bet you ten to one Clarence Thomas asks him every day how Zack and Slater are doing. Maybe I was the lucky one after all?
homeless_wino)
If the SBTB writers got everything wrong in their “race” episode, they got everything shockingly right in their “sexism” episode. Now I know I poke fun and deride the writers for churning out incomprehensible doggerel for ten year olds but today’s episode is actually very well written and metaphor intensive. Here’s a preview of the issues raised: Title IX funding, proto-feminism, societal independence v. reclaiming ones femininity, gender roles, and are “chickenwings” acceptable holds in high school wrestling? Throw on that Bratmobile album because today it’s Episode # 54 – ‘Hold Me Tight.’
By season 3, all bets were off. Having firmly established the show as a fixture on NBC’s Saturday morning lineup, the writers were able to experiment a little bit more without the ever watchful eye of Brandon Tartikoff bearing down on them. More and more subversive messages and themes began to sneak in to the halls of Bayside. This episode is no exception. It opens with Zack, KKTY’s roving sports reporter, covering wrestling team tryouts. The team is in sorry shape says the fat, bald coach who was also the auto shop teacher in the last episode I wrote about. Slater is the star which means, if the College Years are any indication, Bayside has the shittiest wrestling team in all of California. Zack is stopped by a pretty young blonde who wants to know where tryouts are. Zack inquires if she’s looking for a guy to “protect her.” Ooooh..flex those puny arms preppy! Actually, she’s looking to try out for the team. Zack’s mind is blown. So is the coach who proceeds to go on a sexist tear for like five minutes citing every stereotype ever said about women up to insinuating she can’t join the team because she may leak menstrual blood everywhere and cause a lawsuit. The girl, who we come to know as Christy Barnes, says that’s not fair. She’s told to take a hike and leave the men to get sweaty with each other. Zack, never one to pass up a chance to crusade for equal rights, especially if there’s the possibility of a hot blonde doing splits on his face once they reach the mountaintop, decides to champion Christy’s cause. Zack calls a quick meeting in the KKTY studio with Bayside’s lightning rod of ire, Jessie. Zack lays out the story and about three words in, Jessie is already convinced the wrestling coach all but sexually assaulted Christy earlier in the day and says she will not sleep, eat, or refuse to stop taking caffeine pills until this wrong is righted. Jessie and Zack plan to confront Belding but Belding is already in the studio, just about to start his show. Yeah, Belding gets his own show on KKTY. That’s pretty tragic. Does he really reschedule board meetings, performance evaluations, and talks with parents so he can hide out in the school’s basement for an hour, spark a doobie, and blast Steppenwolf to uninterested students? Apparently! Belding tells Zack and Jessie that he has the greatest story for his show today. Apparently, a GIRL wants to join the wrestling team! Belding then literally laughs in Jessie’s face for a whole thirty seconds. We cut to The Max where Zack is trying to comfort a forlorn Christy. Zack tells her not to fear because he’s already lobbed the first assault in his Zack Attack against misogyny. He pulls out the world’s smallest, misshaped radio and tunes it to KKTY where Jessie is hosting her daily talk show where she prattles on about whatever’s up her ass on any particular day, “Spano Speaks.” Today she calls out the wrestling coach and Mr.Belding for being “sexist pigs” by refusing to let a woman join the wrestling team. She follows up that kick in the dick with a few “oink” sounds before putting on a Divinyls song to solidify her argument of girl power. A small mob has gathered around Zack’s tiny radio at this point and, incensed by Jessie’s words, they immediately spring into action. Back in the gymnasium a fucking Take Back the Night rally has sprung up out of nowhere. The coach can’t hold wrestling tryouts because there’s four-billion female students crammed in the gym holding signs of protest (including one held by a fat girl with glasses that reads “girl nerds of Bayside against Belding.” Man, talk about being wholly accepting of oneself. Good grief! She’s like a living, breathing issue of Bitch! magazine!). The coach is flustered. Belding is panicking. In real life, the whole Title IX issue was a few years away from being decided on by the supreme court and was a pretty big deal in the early 90’s. In fact, this episode is one of THREE episodes to deal with unequal funding for girl’s sports at Bayside. However, this is the only episode of the three not resolved by a limbo contest or a bachelor auction. Meanwhile, the dudes of Bayside are totally for a female wrestler. Especially Slater who, in a rare moment of unselfish equality (I guess all those nights being denied beej’s from Jessie and made to read Sylvia Plath instead got to him), goes out on a limb with the coach to let Christy try out. The coach relents and Christy gets paired up with the seediest looking Mexican guy the casting director could find. This dude hisses “I’ll try not to hurt you little girl.” They began to wrestle and within ten seconds, Christy hits him with a brutal suplex that probably paralyzed him. He’s the Misawa to Christy’s Bison Strong. Never mind. Having proven herself, the coach is now thrilled to have another person with a tiny bit of talent on the team and says she’s earned a spot. Everyone cheers! Christy hugs Zack and says she couldn’t have done it without him. It’s a new day rising at Bayside!
The next day Zack, still broadcasting for KKTY, walks right the shit into the women’s locker room. METAPHOR! A girl wearing a bathing suit freaks out but Zack’s not here to rape. This time. Zack’s here to get an exclusive interview with Bayside’s new star wrestler. Christy hems and haws as Zack’s tosses her softball questions when finally he asks her what kind of guy she likes. Before she can say “Tori”, Zack, on air, asks her to the movies that night. Christy says yes. Even though Zack was asking her live on air, Lisa (who has been skulking around in the shadows of the locker room) overhears this conversation and runs off to spread gossip. Suddenly, Belding bursts into the women’s locker room with his hand over his eyes. METAPHOR X 2! You may recall a certain Anita Hill from the early 90’s. Sexual harassment was a very salient issue at the time as well as fodder for shitty late night talk show hosts. Desperate to avoid a lawsuit, Belding overheard Zack on the radio broadcasting from the women’s locker room and is trying to root him out while at the same time, avoid leering at the naked coeds. Zack manages to sneak out as Belding mistakenly grabs a naked female student. They both scream as Belding bolts. I presume that girl got immediately on the phone to her lawyer. Back at The Max, Christy is hanging with the gang. Slater asks her where she learned that killer suplex? Christy says she learned it from him as it was the move he used to beat his arch-nemesis, Nedick, with last year at states. Christy admits to being a big fan of curly Conana and asks if he wouldn’t mind showing her a few holds. Slater says no problem, um, as long as he gets Jessie’s permission. Whipping sound. Jessie stammers and then agrees. This new tag-team heads off to the gym as Kelly approaches Jessie to say that it’s cool she’s so supportive of Christy. Jessie just stares blankly. Oh no! Could her proto-feminist stance have ushered a juicing floozy right into the arms of her man!!?? How can one both be pro-women’s lib yet still feel valued simply because they are ensconced in a relationship?? Torn between the ‘break down the walls’ 90’s and the comfort of the ‘stay in the kitchen and make babies’ 50’s, Jessie is clearly at a crossroads that only truckstop speed can solve. We assume. In the gym there’s pumping, look to get the party jumping. There’s also Slater and Christy working out. Christy wants Slater to show her some holds. Slater demonstrates his patented half-nelson. With all due respect to Bob Backlund, the ‘chickenwing’ is a pretty cheap hold, especially at the amateur level. Stop grabbing the face! The coach should really be demonstrating side-holds, sunset flips, and half-crabs if you ask me. He should also be reinforcing the basic rules of amateur wrestling where, to win, you have to pin your opponent’s shoulders inside the designated circle. Bayside wins most of its matches by tossing their opponents outside the mat and rendering them unconscious. Like I said, all evidence points to Bayside having a really lousy team. Oh look, I’ve digressed. Whatcha gonna do, brutha!!?? As Christy and Slater get their sweaty limbs all over one another, Jessie decides to drop by. From the gym’s doorway she basically sees her man dry humping Christy. Jessie lets out a blood curdling scream and runs off.
The next day in the halls of Bayside, Jessie and Kelly are chilling, listening to Lisa’s gossip show on yet another tiny, misshapen radio. Lisa blabs that she’s seen a mysterious female wrestler and an unnamed school hunk getting cozy both in and out of school. Jessie snaps and screams to Kelly (who’s wearing what appears to be cut off shorts over a table cloth) that Christy is a home-wrecking trollop out to steal all of Bayside’s men. She storms off yet again. She’s clearly off the pill wagon in this episode. That night, Zack and Christy are on their date at, where else?, The Max. In the middle of fingerbanging under the table, a wrestler from Valley happens to walk in. He laughs at the female wrestler and tosses a bunch of understated, how-did-this-slip-by-the-censors? homophobic barbs towards Morris. Zack tries to get all up in this dude’s grill before he’s embarrassingly put in a headlock. Thankfully Christy drank fifteen protein shakes that day along with injecting anabolic steroids directly into her eyes so she’s able to pretty much slam the Valley dude’s head into the ground with one arm. Embarrassed and bleeding internally, Valley dude takes off while Christy helps Zack up. As Zack scans the floor of The Max for his missing balls, two nerds roll up and exclaim how lucky he was that Christy was there! Morris stammers a “yeah…I guess.” Oh no! Could Morris’s championing of a female athlete have put him in a position to question the typical male role of the protector? Can Zack deal with dating a woman so independent that she’s able to fight all her own battles?? And, if she’s so self-sufficient, how long will it be before she brings home a fifteen inch steel vibrator and preppy is phased out of the picture entirely!!?? First a female boss at Malibu Sands and now this?? Yes indeed Zack, the times they are a ‘ changing. Back at KKTY studios, Jessie is on air trashing Christy. She says women have no place on the mat and that, if she ever wants to land a husband, she’d be best served by taking a cooking or handjob class! Christy cannot understand Jessie’s about face and runs to Zack for help. Zack pushes her away and says he can’t help her as he has to go “study.” Having all her newfound friends dump her, Christy’s plane of feminine empowerment begins to nosedive. She declares the only way to fix this is to quit the team. News travels fast at Bayside and we see our favorite, emotionally insecure twosome Zack and Jessie holding a neurotic-off in the KKTY studio. We know Jessie’s nuts but season 3 of SBTB really fucks Zack’s “king of bayside” shit up! First Stacy Carosi puts him in his place then Eric takes him down a peg and now Christy Barnes Lorena Bobbited him (metaphorically) in front of his peers! I imagine a transfer to Valley is looking pretty good right about now. As their conversation unravels, Jessie discovers that Christy was actually interested in Zack, not Slater. Whoops! I guess principals ARE easy to sell-out when the fair treatment you’ve fought so long and hard for turns up in your backyard looking to do your man? The writers are not so much trying to say you can only have it one way ,rather, they’re saying that life is a big grey-area where taking a hard stance in either direction is only going to make your life miserable. Listen up young American women of the 90’s! You can power your way up the corporate ladder all you want but, at the end of the day, there’s no shame in wanting to fall into the arms of a loving man and demand that he give you an orgasm regardless if he had a bad day at the office or has a big meeting the next morning! Revolution girl style now! You’re welcome Real Housewives of Orange County. Thank Jessie Spano. Zack also has a Gloria Steinem moment and comes to the realization that hey, so what if Christy can punch holes in concrete! She’s fucking hot, bro! Party on Garth! With their newfound enlightenment, they set off to find Christy and force her to re-join the wrestling team. After all, feminism is about ‘making the right choices.’Obscure Bloom County reference. We cut to the big wrestling meet against Valley. We watch Slater suplex a dude and send him to the hospital. Uh..point Bayside I guess? Now the score is tied and Christy needs to win her match for Bayside to declare victory. Slater has been the hero of this episode. With all this guys vs. girls shit flying back and forth, he’s forsaken his usual, neaderthalic stance and remained cooley on the sidelines as a supporter of Christy, comforter of Jessie, and friend to Zack. Bravo Slater. Bravo. Slater gives Christy a big speech about how she can beat this guy (she beat him once at The Max already) and how he’s proud of her and how maybe they can change in the same locker room from now on? Huh!? Huh??!! Christy and Valley dude face off. Zack is commenting for KKTY on the sidelines. Look out! Valley guy has got Christy in a kind-of modified arm bar. She’s helpless! Jessie encourages Christy to “bite him!” You go girl! Zack stands up and instructs Christy to “use that move you used at The Max!” Valley dude proves he very much WILL be fooled again and gets a half-nelson put on him before being driven to the mat, outside the circle, for the “legal” pin. I’m sure having the match take place at Bayside with essentially Mr.Belding as the ref lead to a clean, impartial victory. You really think they would have built ONE fucking room to be an all purpose Valley High School set given the amount of time spent dealing with that school?? Anyway, Zack rushes to Christy’s side where he’s immediately thrown to floor and mounted by her. Seriously. Zack’s got the total package! An MMA fighter in the streets and a freak in the sheets! Right fellas!? Girl power indeed!
homeless_wino)
Let’s hear it for the bread and butter of the SBTB universe – stereotypes. Today’s episode is another perennial favorite if only because it featured a Misfits poster in 1991 when those things were actually hard to come by as opposed to today when you can buy Misfits potholders at your local Spencer’s Gifts. We’re talking the first and last time we ever see Jessie’s ‘Whatsa-matta-you?’, tough-talkin’, New York based step brother, Eric. Episodes # 47 & 48 – ‘The Wicked Stepbrother.’
The episode opens with the gang at The Max being regaled by Jessie about her mother’s wedding she attended over the weekend. Bummed you didn’t get to see it? No worries, in about three episodes you’ll get another two-parter set in Palm Springs where her dad gets re-married to a nubile fitness instructor. You’ll wish you had seen Jessie’s hippie mom marry a guido instead. Why both her parents got re-married about a week apart from each other in an almost Bride Wars-esque situation basically bespeaks years of parental in-fighting that poor Jessie probably had to endure. No wonder she became a neurotic bitch. Anyway, the result of the marriage is that her new dad who’s from New York is gonna hang out in Cali for a bit and bring along his son. Jessie is stoked to finally have a sibling. Her mother is bringing him home that afternoon and she can’t wait to greet him like he’s a human Christmas present. Cut to Jessie’s bedroom where she’s almost shitting herself in excitement awaiting the arrival of her step-brother. She gets a knock on her door but, doh!, it’s just Kelly and Lisa. They want to meet him as well. Tired of banging within their incestuous little group, they’re excited for some new meat. Hell, they even brought him a tin of what’s no doubt the grossest cookies ever. Yum. Enter Eric. Done up in a leather jacket, black jeans, and enough hair grease to deep fry chicken, he resembles a miniature, oily, Richard Greico in his prime. Not surprisingly, the girls swoon. Jessie enthusiastically greets him. Eric, in his New York by way of Boston accent, utters a “’sup?’ before physically grabbing Lisa and telling her “I’m yours.” Oh, he doesn’t stop there. He says to her, and I’m only slightly paraphrasing here, “let’s ditch these two assholes and go make fuck on the beach.” Disgusted, Lisa all but maces him to get her hand back and her and Kelly, fearing they’re about two minutes away from being raped at knifepoint by this maniac, abandon Jessie and head for the hills. Eric tells Jessie about his little terrorist attack on the plane where he locked all the bathroom doors before laying claim to her bedroom. They both yell for mom. Uh oh, trouble in brother town. The next day at school Zack, suddenly a sports nut, is scheming ways to get out of class to go watch the Mets / Dodgers playoff game. Over the school’s intercom we hear Eric’s voice announce that summer vacation is starting early. Zack remarks that Eric seems like “my kinda guy.” Oh, how right he is. Eric is basically Zack only cooler, Italian, and lacking the teeny tiny bit of conscious that prevents Zack from poisoning Belding so he can have a three day weekend. Eric attempts to walk out of Belding’s office with his microphone only to have a flustered Belding grab it back. Jessie reluctantly introduces Eric to Zack and Slater. Zack tells Eric that he’s the “top dog of schemes around here.” Eric remarks that, back at his old school, he would have just been a puppy. Ooooh. Slater giggles when Eric asks Zack, “who’s this? Your trainer?” Slater WISHES! Slater says he’s Jessie’s boyfriend. Eric knows all about him what with having already read Jessie’s diary! Jessie tries to grab it back but all Slater wants to know is if she wrote good things about him in there? Hey pal! Five bucks a page. We’re in a recession. Jessie grabs Slater and they storm off with Slater yelling to Eric “did she write good things about me after prom??” Awww…is Slater worried that all his juicing may have caused testies town to shut down early that night? Man, he really is a butt load of issues. I said butt load. Zack, trying to scrape up what little bit of dignity he has left off the floor after Eric’s sweet burn, says that since Eric is “Jessie’s brother”, he’s gonna help him out. He points out that they have math in the same room together but that he’s gonna need books. Eric says he’s got that taken care of and ‘some nerd’ is bringing them up from the school book store for him. School book store? Bayside students have to buy their own textbooks like in college?? Jeez, their financial situation is worse than I thought. We soon see that Mr.Belding has clearly been embezzling as he’s able to somehow afford a sweet Japanese sports car on a principal’s salary. ‘That nerd’ turns out to be Screech. Who’d a thunk it? In math class Eric does his best Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear impersonation by literally chasing Lisa around the room just trying to get her to talk to him. She’s reduced to hiding in Screech’s arms for escape. Too bad Sammy is plowing Violet at that point or this would have no doubt been the happiest day of his life. The math teacher tells everyone to calm down and that they have a new student in class from New York so let’s make him feel at home and mug him! Ba dump! Ohhh…how people forget that in the early 90’s, NY had nearly slunk back into it’s late 70’s state what with drugs, gangs, aids, and subway crashes running rampant amongst all the Trump Towers that had sprung up in the intervening years. The Disneyfication of Times Square had not yet happened and NY was still a place where danger could be lurking around every corner; compared to today when only American Apparel is lurking around every corner. Social commentary. The math teacher reminds the class that tomorrow is Rosh Hashanah, Jewsish new year. So he, who is Jewsish despite obviously being of Italian descent, will not be in school. He asks all the other Jewish kids in class to identify themselves so he may inform the substitute of their absence. Hmmm…sounds like a trap to me. Zack, who has demonstrated time and time again that he has no problem spitting in god’s face, raises his hand. Zack and the teacher lock non-Jewish eyes but, not wanting to blow each other’s cover, wish each other ‘shalom.’
I’m going to overlook the fact that Rosh Hashanah and playoff season usually occur a few weeks apart from one another and, instead, focus on how Screech has totally sold Zack out in this episode to play sidekick to the much cooler Eric. Back in Jessie’s bedroom, Eric is chillin’ when Screech walks in with a tape of the Mets / Dodgers game for Eric to watch. Eric wants to see it because he’s a Mets fan what with being from Brooklyn and all(??). Eric simultaneously watches the game and threatens Screech when Screech points out Zack in the crowd. This gives evil Eric an idea. At school the next day Zack’s wandering around with the foul ball he caught at the baseball game because Satan rules the Earth and the wicked get whatever they want. Eric is standing in front of Zack’s locker, now laying claim to it. Zack says buzz off and Eric responds he’ll happily buzz off to Belding’s office with the tape of him at the game unless Zack gives Eric his locker, his baseball, and ten lunches. Ten lunches?? Um…okay? Zack says “that’s blackmail!” Eric responds “it’s my specialty!.” Eric is apparently a Dick Tracy villain. A fight’s about to break out when Belding approaches, very happy to see his two least-favorite students getting along. Zack says he gave Eric his locker and the ball his “father” caught at yesterday’s game. Whatta sweet heart. Back in Jessie’s room, her and Slater are studying / being physically awkward with one another. Jessie tells Slater she hates her evil brother but Slater says he’s just a harmless punk kid. Slater bails because he has to go do squats or something. Eric walks in with his bags and says that Jessie’s room is now his. Jessie asks “who says?” Eric proceeds to produce the tape recorder he planted under her bed which picked up all of her and Slater’s teen grope-a-thon. He says Jessie’s on the couch from now on unless she wants the tape played over the school’s intercom. Ooooh Eric!! Jessie says that she’ll sleep on the streets tonight but will have him taken care of by tomorrow. Cut to bayside the next day where Slater is trying his hardest to intimidate Eric while dressed in a 3xl Hawaiian shirt and the most high-waisted, acid-washed jeans ever made. Not surprisingly, it doesn’t work. Eric gives Slater the tape which Slater proceeds to not be able to stomp on effectively before Eric tells him he made about twenty more copies of it. He lays it out for curly Conan, he wants Slater’s sweet car for his big date this weekend. Make it happen. Zack, Kelly, and Jessie walk in. Slater assures Jessie he handled the situation. Jessie leaves. Zack, smelling failure, asks Slater if he too was clowned by Jessie’s “harmless” brother? Yep. Kelly, dumb as all get out, tells everyone to stop being mean to Jessie’s brother. It’s funny that Kelly somehow is the only one who avoids Eric’s wrath. Maybe Eric feels that Kelly’s life is miserable enough as is without him having to shit in her cereal or something? Zack and Slater brood momentarily before Belding swoops in and tells them he’s got something to show them. Cut to the parking lot where Belding is showing off the sweet rice rocket he got for his nagging wife. Maybe this’ll shut her up? Right, Belding? He’s gotta go out of town for a few days on business but wants to install a cd player in the car. He’s says he’d like to hire Slater (as opposed to a licensed mechanic) to do it. Shit, cheap labor is cheap labor. You can’t afford sports cars if you keep paying for the best all the time right!? Zack freezes time and tells us that he’s got the perfect revenge plan. He times in and tells Belding Slater would love to bungle up his car with his shipshod mechanic know how. Because you gotta spend money to make money or something, Zack stops Lisa in the hall later and whips out (hey! Get your mind out of the gutter) 2 legit to quit MC Hammer concert tickets. Street value in 1991: approx a billion dollars. Street value in 2009: utterly worthless. Oh, life. Zack says the tickets are hers if she agrees to go out with Eric. Lisa says she’d rather die. Zack cranks up the hard-sell and Lisa, sensing Mr.Hammer’s wave rapidly breaking, consents to the date. Eric crawls up to Lisa later and begins his “hey youse crazy dame. How’s about a you and me getta some clams and cozy up with Sinatra thisa weekenda??!” Lisa, to everyone’s shock and horror, instantly agrees.
After commercial we see Eric and Lisa’s date. It’s somehow going very decent. Eric is kind and has a sense of humor! It’s amazing what being desperate for sex allows you to do! Eric opens up to Lisa about how he’s homesick and it’s easier to act like a total asshole then to show the world his vulnerable side (Eric, meet Slater). Lisa gets him, maaannn. They click on a whole ‘nother level, dig? Lisa is so taken with Eric that she asks him to be his date to the MC Hammer concert. Why Eric, a man of taste and distinction, agrees to go is beyond me but, hey, you gotta put your time in to get your reward amirite fellas!!?? Meanwhile, in Bayside’s parking lot, Zack, Slater, and Screech are balls deep in their revenge scheme. Turns out, Slater leant Eric Belding’s car for his date. What they plan to do is when Eric drops the car off back at Bayside, Screech will jump out of the bushes and take a picture of him that they will then use as blackmail to get all the stuff Eric blackmailed from them back. It’s almost foolproof but, wait a sec, in a rare show of 90’s sensitivity, Eric is letting Lisa drive the car back to Bayside. I guess he needed both hands free to wag his penis at her? Lisa pulls up to the school when Screech, on cue, springs from the bushes and, using the world’s brightest flashbulb, snaps a picture of the would-be car thieves. Blinded by the light (literally), Lisa freaks out and slams Belding’s car into a wall. Oh, women drivers! Part one ends with everyone fucked. Part two starts with a little re-cap from Zack and then moves on to the school’s auto shop where Slater has been busy assessing the damage. Given his inclination towards mechanics and shady business practices, Slater figures the repair job’ll run about $600. Gulp. Where to get the money?? Zack, top dog of schemes remember?, already has a plan. He’s gonna run a rigged raffle. Rather than simply have the winning ticket already planned out Zack, who always has a flair for the convoluted, says the raffle winner will be determined by whoever has the same numbers that match the answer to the weekly math problem the teacher puts on the board. Zack and Slater begin selling raffle tickets and within thirty seconds, literally have about a thousand dollars in cash in their hand. They start their customary pat on each other’s backs when who should walk in but Mr.Belding. Bored with the principaling conference he was attending, he decided to come back a few days early and wants to see his car. Gulp x 2. Thinking on their feet, Peppy and Poppa make up some ridiculous story about how Belding’s German cd player was incompatible with the car’s Japanese wiring. There’s a WWII joke in here somewhere. Regardles, it’s gonna be a few more days before it can be installed. Belding buys all of this because, by season 3, he’s become a walking lobotomy. Crisis averted x 2, it’s raffle time. Math class is jammed packed today. The oblivious teacher has no clue why. As he starts to write out the math problem, Slater pulls the fire alarm. While everyone is fleeing the school, he replaces the answer key with their rigged answer key. I know you’re saying that there’s a million easier ways to rig a raffle without having to commit a felony and making a bunch of fake answer cards but, lest we forget, Morris makes scheming an art form. Panic averted, class resumes. The kids are going wild for math! The teacher loves it! When the answer is finally revealed, Screech is the winner! Nobody suspects a thing even though those three are ALWAYS hanging out together. After a little convincing, Screech gives up the dough. Zack and Slater head off to buy the part they need for the car. Eric finds the dejected Screech who blabs to Eric that Zack and Slater took his money from the rigged raffle. Oops! Too late! Eric has caught Screech and unless he wants to find himself on the wrong side of curly Conan’s fists, he has to help him with something. We go to shop class where the teacher tells the kids that ‘cheapo’ Belding sprung for a project car for them to work on. The tarp is pulled back to reveal, da da duuunnnnn, Belding’s car. Screech starts to scream when Eric shuts him up by putting him in a stack of tires. Just like the mob does! Eric tells the teacher that back in New York, they worked on cars by taking them all apart first. The shop teacher chimes in with “where the owners aware of that?” Ba dump! Regardless, the grease monkey says that’s a good plan and the class gets busy disassembling the car. Later, Zack and Slater head down to the auto shop with the brand new part they just bought only to find Belding’s car in a million little pieces. They silently shit themselves when they hear a rumbling from the tires. They dig up Screech who rats out Eric as the culprit. Fueled by rage, Zack and Slater hunt down Eric and start acting like a rap video around him. Eric calls them both pussies and says he ain’t scared of them and has clearly outsmarted them several times over, oh, and he’s fucking their good friend. Applesauce bitches! Because the gloves have come off, Zack takes this opportunity to ask Eric where he thinks Lisa got the MC Hammer tickets? Eric assumes with the money her wealthy father gave her? WRONG-O! He lays out how they had to pay off Lisa to even be seen with him! Boo ya!! With tears welling up in his eyes, Eric runs off. He finds Lisa and confronts her with this information. Lisa babbles on about how it’s true but that was before she knew his heart wasn’t totally dead and now things are different and she’s into him as a person, not just a conduit for revenge! Bah! Eric has heard enough. He tells her he’s pulling out the wind on this town full of losers and up her nose with a rubber hose and all that.
The climax of this two-parter happens in Jessie’s bedroom. Still steamed, Eric is packing his shit up amidst his rad Misfits posters. Jessie comes in to ask what he’s doing. He says all her friends are dicks, the women are whores, and she can go fuck herself if she thinks he’s gonna stick around to be a bit player in the Malibu Sands episodes. Jessie pleads with Eric to stay and to try to get along because they’re family! Eric tells her she’s delusional and to go find familial contentment at the bottom of a pill jar or something. Deeply offended, Jessie says that if they weren’t family, she’d deck him. Eric scoffs; “I’d like to see you try!” BAM! Jessie pops him in the eye piece. Dazed and confused, Eric stumbles around while Jessie continues to scream at him that all she wanted was an older brother and he screwed everything up by being an assbag. She hates him and wishes their parents never got married. With pathos at it’s highest for this season, we fade to black. The next day finds Zack and Slater trying to duck Belding. Not trying too hard, Belding catches them and forces them to go hang out in his new car and listen to some cd’s (“Bo Sings the Blues” by Bo Jackson to be exact. Ahhh, Bo Jackson. If you want to know all about the early 1990’s simply Google; Crystal Pepsi, Zoobaz pants, and Bo Jackson. That was the first five years of that decade in a nutshell). Fearing the jig is up, Zack and Slater march down to auto shop with Belding prepared for the worst. Upon arrival, Belding’s car is good as new. How!!?? Belding, pleased, walks away. From underneath the car emerges Eric sporting a shit ton of axle grease and a brand new black eye. Eric says he spent all night putting the car back together (a job that would take a few expert mechanics a few weeks) and he apologizes for all his transgressions. Jessie literally knocked some sense into him. He gives Zack and Slater back their tapes (where did the copies go? Oh, Eric lied. Doh!). Later that night Eric is back in Jessie’s bedroom almost packed and ready to head back East when the gang marches in. Eric fears a group beating. The gang has come to the consensus that they don’t want Eric to leave. Zack likes the fact that he keeps him on his toes. Lisa likes the fact that his balls smell like ravioli. And the rest of the gang enjoys the fact that his presence will disrupt their perfect-six symmetry. Eric is flattered and says he’ll think about sticking around for awhile. The episode ends and Eric is never heard from again. Let’s just say some warrants made their way to the west coast and Eric had to amscray. Or he became Michael Graves in the new Misfits lineup. I’M A SCARECROW MAAAANNNNN!!
sambumbia)I wonder a lot of things sometimes. I wonder how people can afford both pretty clothes and pretty underwear at the same time, or if they do? I wonder how people buy ridiculous presents for everyone in their families. I wonder why I get grumpy sometimes. I wonder if I am really good enough to do something so harrowing as social work or counseling. I wonder if I am really really this self-centered and weak as I am afraid I am, or if, when the time is right and the stars align, I will shine and I will make counseling an art like some people do with cooking or painting. I wonder if counseling IS my art or if my art is something else entirely. I wonder if I am just too daft to recognize it.
This leads me to think about this... I want desperately to have an art. It doesn't have to be published or printed or broadcast. I just want to know that this is what I am SO good at and what makes me happy. I haven't found it yet. I've never finished anything in my life. I wonder what all this "experience" has lead me to. It's awful not knowing and not having a title or something to look forward in which I know I will excel. Or at least LOVE with all my heart. I don't have to be that good, I just want to love something. It'd be nice to have a knack for it, that's all I'm asking.
I guess if Julia can learn to boil an egg at 40 then I can be a little more patient.
homeless_wino)
First off; http://mentalfloss.com/quiz/quiz.ph
The season two finale crammed a shit ton of typical SBTB shenanigans into the episode. Viewing the series as a whole, season two really defined SBTB and contains the episodes most people talk about when they talk about SBTB (or whatever Raymond Carver said) – i.e. ‘Running Zack’, ‘Miss Bayside’, ‘The Prom’, ‘Save the Max’, and the epic ‘Jessie’s Song.’ Season 3 begins the disconnect where Kelly falls for Jeff, the series gets disrupted by the Malibu Sands episodes, Jessie’s dad getting married episodes, the Hawaiian vacation episode, the Zack Attack episode, and the murder mystery episode part way through the season. Drugs and drinking begin to play a major part, Jessie and Kelly leave, ugly Tori arrives, and the gang’s whole world starts to swerve into the oncoming lane of madness. Season two really marks the end of innocence for our Bayside pals so let’s treat this finale with the respect it ultimately deserves. The episode starts with Screech and Violet at The Max attempting to what they believe is ‘make out.’ It’s fucking disgusting. The gang looks on in a mixture of sweetness and sickness. The gang is psyched that Screech is finally getting his knob wet. Especially Lisa. Actually, almost exclusively Lisa. Zack, in a rare moment of decentness, asks Screech and Violet if they want to join the gang to go see a movie. Violet says she can’t because she has glee club practice. For those of you who didn’t go to high school in 1950’s, glee club is basically the school’s choir. Violet says that the gang should join because it’s fun. The gang laughs in her face. Violet says it’s a shame because, if they beat Valley in the upcoming glee club finals, they’ll win a trip to Hawaii. We should address two things here: 1.) Valley High. Valley High is the often times faceless nemesis of Bayside and pretty much a main character of the series in its own right. We meet their evil principal and many of their vapidly evil students as the series progresses. Rather than just casting the Valley students as stereotypical dummies, the writers imbued them with a sinister evil and bitterness that comes from everyone thinking you’re a moron the second you let them know where you’re from. It’s a black cloud that has overtaken the entire school. Bayside is where you go to find yourself amongst wacky misadventures. Valley is where you go once your heart’s died. 2.) Zack’s all consuming quest to go to Hawaii for free. Actually, anytime there’s a chance to win a trip anywhere (even to dumb, boring places like Washington, D.C.), Zack is all over it like white on rice. One could look at it as Zack just wanting to not be in school as much as possible but I prefer to view it as the opportunity to see life outside of his tiny California town because his neglectful parents refuse to take him anywhere. This is one of two episodes driven by Zack’s all consuming urge to go to Hawaii and have Bayside pick up the tab. The next scene finds the gang at glee club practice. They are all pissed except for Morris who’s rife with Hawaii madness. Slater acts pissed because he’s had to miss two wrestling practices. Oh man, torn between singing standards and rolling around with other dudes! That’s quite a quandary there Slater. Lisa is so pissed she’s given herself a cold. Jessie, having learned nothing from her near OD by stress a few episodes back, is wearing a surgical mask, believing Lisa to be carrying a new form of plague. Or maybe she still hates black people? In any event, glee club is run by Mr.Tutle. Mr.Tutle is the driver’s ed teacher as well as the ..uh..I guess the class was “young inventors” or something? He taught whatever the class was where the gang made ‘Buddy Bands’ okay? Tutle is like Zack except fat and old. Tutle and Belding REALLY hate each other. Like, it often borders on fistfights. Thanks to strong unions, Belding can’t fire his nemesis so he often has to painfully deal with him for the benefit of the school; a dynamic Zack later uses to leverage, what else, a ski trip. Mr.Tutle also likes to lie, cheat and steal. He applauds cunning. It’s strange that him and Zack didn’t grow closer. So, Belding walks into glee club practice to see how they’re doing. He immediately starts being a dick to Tutle and Tutle tells him to “get off my turf.” See? The glee club (featuring a young Matthew Fox, I believe) starts to sing and it’s a disaster. No one can hit a note and, for whatever reason, every member starts singing a different part of that “when Johnny comes marching home…” song. Belding is FURIOUS! Like, he’s gonna shitcan Tutle and suspend the glee club for what they just did. Mr.Tutle tells Belding to chill out and that they’ll get it under control. We cut to Zack’s bedroom where he and Screech are brainstorming how to win the glee club competition with everyone in the glee club sucking ass. Screech gets a call from Violet on Zack’s phone (??? Does he forward calls to Zack’s house???) to ask him if they want to go with her to see the Southern California Professional Glee Club Singers or some other such queer balls nonsense? Zack says ‘fuck no’ so Screech says ‘fuck no, my heart” to Violet. He immediately apologizes. It’s really creepy that Screech alternately calls Violet ‘my heart’ and ‘my pet.’ Shudder. Suddenly! Zack gets a brilliant, conniving idea. He orders Screech to call Violet back and say that they’ll go while he begins rummaging through his underwear drawer which is where he keeps his tape recorder. Hey! A girl’s thoughts are private!
The next day at glee club practice the club is putting Zack’s idea into practice via a huge boombox. Belding and Tutle walk in after having just beat the shit out of each other in the parking lot, I guess. Belding looks ready to snap and demands to hear that the glee club has improved. Tutle crosses himself and begins to conduct. Screech hits the ‘play’ button on the not-do-discreetly hidden boombox and the golden voices of the glee club Zack, Screech, and Violet saw last night boom out over the tiny speakers as the entire glee club pantomimes singing. Belding is impressed though why he doesn’t pick up that there’s organ and drum sounds coming out of nowhere is beyond me. Satisfied, Belding leaves. Tutle mouths a “what the fuck??!” to the glee club when Zack reveals their electronic ace in the hole. Tutle, being a fan of taking the easy way out, approves. Though he’s concerned the bigwigs at the glee club finals may bust them and shame them ala Milli Vanilli for using phoned in voices. Screech says don’t worry because the chick he’s banging has golden pipes. Everyone calls bullshit. Violent starts pissing her pants in fear until Screech promises to be the wind beneath her wings so she reluctantly starts singing some scales. Look, I’m completely tone deaf and some of my favorite bands include Carcass and Rotting Christ so I’m in no position to judge what’s good singing and what’s not. The canned audience applause track approves so I have assume she was on point for the sake of the episode. The trip to Hawaii is saved! All they have to do is build their entire performance around Violet’s solo. Done dizzy! After practice, Violet, still riding the high of peer acceptance, invites Screech to her parent’s house for dinner. Screech begrudgingly accepts before Violet leaves school because her chauffer is there to pick her up. Yep, Violet is w-e-$-a-$-l-t-h-y! Much like the actress playing her, Violet grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth and parents who cared enough to send her to a low rated public school for book learnin’. This makes Screech nervous. How can he deal with Violet’s rich parents when he’s just a street urchin whose dirt poor familiars can only afford to buy him parts to build a robot??! Oh, it’s classic Westside Story here folks! The gang tells Screech to just relax and be himself. Bad move. The next day (yeah, again at glee club practice) the gang eagerly awaits the dirt from Screech on how his date with Violet’s folks went? Did he get drunk on wine and piss in the umbrella stand!? Did he wow them with ‘The Sprain?’ Did he jump on the table and shout ‘anarchy’ and get the waitstaff to revolt and stab them to death? Nope. Screech just acted like himself which is somehow worse than all three of those combined. We see, thanks to flashback, that Screech asked a bunch of dumb questions about the food, ate a whole lemon, told Violet’s mom she looked like Schwarzenegger, and threw all their fine china on the ground. It’s no surprise that Violet shows up and announces she’s quitting the glee club because her parents forbid her to ever see Screech again (they’re probably most worried about her physical safety). Mr.Tutle and the gang don’t really care because they’ve got a back up plan in songbird, Jessie Spano. But, what’s this? Jessie caught Lisa’s cold. She says she has pneumonia. Why on Earth either of them came to school when they’re supposed to be dying of a very serious illness is just shitty parenting. In any event, the gang is once again, how the kids say, fucked. The girls go off to comfort Violet. They fail. Screech steps up and says that, if anything, HE should quit the glee club – if only because he can’t sing. The gang, thrilled at the prospect of going to Hawaii without Screech, second this motion. Violet says she can’t sing without Screech. Screech assures her that, while they may not be on stage together, they are always together in each of their hearts, now almost failing under the strain of having to provide life blood to two individuals. Violet, embiggened by Screech’s words of romance, agrees to re-join the glee club. Yippie!
That night at the glee club finals, the gang is all dressed like multicultural Hitler youth complete with neckties and parted haircuts. Screech shows up to bring Violet a good luck rose. Awwww. Their chance for a bathroom quickie before the concert is ruined when Violet’s crotchety rich bastard parents show up and ask what hell Screech is doing there after they forbid them to see each other??? She tries to explain but her parents REALLY go to town on her, severely dressing her down in front of her friends to the point of awkwardness. Do you sense Menendez bros. action in Violet’s future? Screech agrees to bail as a sad and embarrassed Violet runs off. Belding is very much up Tutle’s ass tonight. It’s amazing how much weight Belding puts on their contests with Valley. It’s sad really. Also, the glee club finals are taking place at Bayside. Way to be impartial. So the Bayside glee club is on stage with no Violet. Kelly is dispatched to locate her while Zack tells Tutle to stall. He stumbles and bumbles so Zack is forced to freeze time. He walks backstage where we see Screech, totally unfrozen. Hmmm. Okay, so Zack can’t exactly freeze ALL of time, just time in his immediate eyesight range? Or can Zack selectively choose who’s frozen? Or is Zack not freezing time at all, rather, just moving at supersonic speeds that Screech, with his heightened IQ, is able to detect? I’ve always been unnerved in horror series when the dude who can freeze time runs into someone who’s able to freely move around in their frozen time. What if Screech killed Zack backstage? Would time be frozen forever? Would Screech gain Zack’s power? Would Screech have to eat Zack’s heart to make that happen? The range of possibilities is fascinating. Even our buddy Deus Ex Machina appears to be off somewhere crying in a bathroom stall this episode. Regardless, Zack orders Screech to pipe in the tape of the California glee club over the PA to bide time. Hey, when your friend can stop time, you better do whatever the fuck he says. Zack times the world back in and they start fake singing but, oh no, Screech can’t work the simple tape player and the song speeds up and slows down for no logical, technical reason. Belding is about to aneurysm. Finally, the tape machine explodes. The audience is confused but Zack explains “that was our impression of a glee club tuning up!” The audience buys that bizarro reason and applauds. Why couldn’t he just say “that was how we tune up?” Why did he say it was an impression of a glee club tuning up? Are they not a glee club? I confused? Just when it appears all hope is lost, Violet slowly walks on stage and the real singing begins. The Bayside glee club has worked their whole performance around Violet to the point where all the other singers simply sing “bum” and “bum bum.” I’m sure their parents were as proud as my parents were when they came to my eighth grade band recital and watched their one and only son play ‘auxiliary percussion’ which meant rattling the shaker in one song and sitting in the back quietly for the rest of the time. Violet gets shaky when, from backstage, Screech bounds on to the stage dressed in Urkel-esque suspenders and the ugliest Grateful Dead shirt imaginable (another personal Jr.High aside, tye-dyed Grateful Dead shirts were very much en vogue in the early 90’s. So much so that I, in an attempt to be seen as “cool” by my peer group, got my folks to advance me some allowance so I could buy one at the local Sam Goody. I had never even heard a Dead song but, pffft, who gave a shit! Their shirts had bears and skulls on them! And they were tye dyed! Is this blowing your mind, square!!?? In any event, I proudly wore that shirt to school one day in sixth grade only to have this kid I knew proclaim it the ugliest Grateful Dead shirt he had ever seen. I encourage you to utilize the internet to go look at some of the shirts Dead Inc. were producing at that time and visualize what exactly it would take to make the ‘ugliest Grateful Dead shirt imaginable.’ I thought mine looked pretty cool and that this kid was just crazy jealous. It still made me feel bad enough that I only wore it once. This also happened to me when I wore one of those ‘hip hop’ themed Warner Bros. cartoon shirts and one of those rug-textured pullovers that hippies often wear. Both of those items were also very much in style in the early 90’s. It’s no wonder that by the time high school rolled around I had shaved my head and was writing Sex Pistols lyrics on my math homework. Woahhhh! We are waaaayyyyy off track here! I blame society.) Excuse me, so Screech is on stage and suddenly Violet’s solo becomes a duet. The audience seems to be willing to overlook the fact that Screech can’t sing because, goddammit, these two hideous people are in love l-o-v! Back at The Max, the gang is celebrating with post concert shakes. Whether they won or not is left up to the viewer. The point is they did their best. I think. Suddenly, Violet and her money crazed folks walk in. You assume they’re about to make an offer on The Max so they can permanently ban Screech. They saunter up to the gang’s table and tell Screech they admire what they did for their daughter and that he, for whatever reason, appears to make her happy- something they have no interest in doing, so he may continue to see her just nowhere near their breakables. The episode concludes with a Violet and Screech embrace. But no Hawaii trip – yet. Stay tuned for season three if you dare.
sambumbia)
God, I can't cope without school. I need it to process all these frustrating situations. Maybe to escape a little?
homeless_wino)
Apologize for the lack of updates. I forgot to send the Friday update to my home computer where I upload things and look at pornography. Rest assured I bitched about it to a bunch of people who had no idea what the shit I was talking about at a Christmas party Friday night. The depression brought on by stranding you folks without a weekend ‘Bell fix caused me to get shitty drunk on cheap whiskey and , at one point, force some poor person to listen to me dissect all ten Halloween movies after they casually mentioned they had only seen the first one. Meeting me in real life is like reading this blog out loud only with an ugly dude getting spit on you. I apologize for everything. Well, back to business. Today’s episode is a classic from season two of the high school years, episode #29 ‘Running Zack.’
If SBTB were an episode of It’s Always Sunny… the subtitle of ‘Running Zack’ would be ‘The Gang Gets Racist.’ Actually, it’s the writers who, in a fit of PC rage, manage to bungle their “we’re all one in the same maaaaan!” message so badly it actually set all the hard work done by dreadlocked college kids protesting on their campuses and Lollapalooza tour stops back several years. They still get an ‘A’ for effort though. It’s the thought that counts. My child is an honor student, etc… The episode starts out at The Max where the whole school is celebrating Bayside’s latest track victory. Actually, they’re really jerking off Zack who’s the school’s track star. Yeah, uh, Zack’s on the track team. So are Jessie and Lisa. Oh, and Slater’s the captain of the track team. Deus Ex won the javelin. Thanks to Morris’s mastery of the mile (3 times fast), Bayside is this close to winning regionals or states or the Olympics..I dunno. One of those school sports division awards. I was out smoking behind the dumpsters at my high school when this was going down around me IRL. Instead of the fifty-yard dash, I was busy mastering cynicism and irony. And as you can see, it’s paying off for me in spades. Whoops…racist. Anyhow, as the gang enjoys post track meet burgers and shakes (ewww) decked out in their fancy Bayside track suits, they discuss their upcoming history assignment which is to present a three minute speech about their ancestors. Lisa’s goody two-shoes ancestors were bigwigs on the underground railroad. La di da! Slater’s great grandfather was a matador. Jessie thinks that’s barbaric and that the bull should have a sword as well! I wonder if there’s an ALF chapter near Bayside? Zack hasn’t even started his assignment but says he’ll deal with it when he gets home after he showers and applies baby powder to his burning crotch. I assume. When Jessie gets asked she just says her ancestors are “dead.” Screech starts crying. End scene. We’re back at Zack’s place where he’s rummaging through a box of old photos, baseball cards, bits of string, and knives with Screech when he comes across a photo of an Indian. Feather, not dot. Whoops…racist x 2. My bad. Zack tells Screech he remembers his mother telling him stories of being descended from Native Americans. Screech, who’s actually pretty damn sharp in this episode, takes one look at Zack’s blue eyes and blonde hair and says “my mother used to tell me stories about four-eyed monsters in my closet!” Ha ha…sick burn. Here’s problem number one with this episode. There is no way in hell Zack is any part Native American. It’s borderline ridiculous and offensive. For that to have happened, Zack’s great, great grandfather must have gone off the reservation and married Peggy Sue while all the available white men were off fighting WWI. That would have probably been a big deal in it’s time and there’s a good chance it would have been a well worn family trope at that point. Also, if you’ll permit me to actually be serious for a moment (I know, I’ll get back to dick jokes in a second), I did a paper on how Native Americans cope with depression for one of my masters classes (nerd alert) and what I learned is that Native Americans are very family oriented and even the ones that move stay pretty connected to their reservation. Since there was never an episode about Zack and his family selling beads at flea markets or attending pow wow’s, this story of Zack’s newfound heritage is doubly, factually incorrect. Zack may as well have said his descendents were Myans or ninja’s from the Boxer Rebellion or Zulu’s! Oh man! Imagine Zack presenting a report on his Zulu ancestors dressed up as Afrika Bambata and doing head spins to “Planet Rock!!??” The SBTB writers dropped a serious ball there. I digress, back to the episode. The next day we’re in Ms.Wentworth’s class for the presentations. Ms. Wentworth is such a fair, level-headed teacher it’s no surprise we never see her again at Bayside. Lisa is up first and is going on and on about her noble ancestors who did like eight trips up and down on the underground railroad to basically free all the slaves. How such righteous heritage produced a great, great granddaughter so consumed with material wealth is a sad little aside the writers threw in to basically say that though we may be free, we’re all still slaves maaaannnn! Think about it!? And quit bogarding that pipe! Lisa says her family refers to the underground railroad as “the original Soul Train.” The puzzle board must have been a bitch to solve when you can’t read and you’re always being whipped? Jessie is up next and mumbles a million miles a minute (three times fast!) that her ancestors were sea faring people who fared the sea. Ms. Wentworth asks what did they trade and Jessie casually tosses off , “Oh, you know, rum, spices, people.” People!!?? Yep, Jessie – who’s clearly part black or Hispanic or just deeply tanned – is the descendent of slave traders! Dun dun dun!! There’s goes Stanford for sure! Look, again, here goes problem number two with this episode. There’s no way Jessie is descended from slave traders. I get that the writers wanted to work in one of the characters dealing with white guilt but that would have worked better had that character been, you know, one of the white people. But here’s the dilemma, you can’t make Zack the descendent of evil people since you already hate him enough. You also can’t make Kelly the descendent of slave traders because slave traders were, you know, rich. So the writers, fresh from a Learning Annex course in irony, saddle the morally indignant Jessie with the sordid past. Who gives a shit if she’s clearly not 100% Caucasian non-Hispanic? We’re all god’s children maaan! I assume that Jessie’s great, great grandfather either, ahem, “plowed the fields” so to speak while human trafficking or her great grandmother had a fever for the jungle flavor. Jessie clearly inherited the attitude of an asshole slave trader though, that’s for sure. After her reveal, the camera uncomfortably zooms in on Lisa who could not give a shit in the least about all this except that her being the only black student at Bayside this week is now being made awkwardly apparent. Increasing this awkwardness, Jessie begins apologizing to Lisa in front of the whole class for things people she never knew did years before she was born. Lisa would like Jessie to knock it the fuck off because this conversation is making her very uncomfortable. Jessie keeps begging for Lisa’s forgiveness until the teacher, in fear of a potential lawsuit, moves the presentations along. If only Eric had moved into Jessie’s house sooner so she could have heard a little Minor Threat! Alas. Just when the class thought they were free from the racial hurricane that had suddenly sprung up in the middle of third period history, Zack steps up to the plate to talk about his Native American heritage. Using Screech as a model, he dolls him up with fake war paint, makes him do a bunch of “hey yah un ah” chants, and goes into every stereotype about Native Americans there is, stopping short of saying his great, great grandfather owned several casinos and died of alcoholism after killing Custer. Blindsided by the amount of ignorance and racism displayed by her students who appear to only care about getting some Orange Julius from the mall and finger fucking in the parking lot, Ms.Wentworth asks Zack what tribe is he descended from? Zack says the Cherokee tribe who lived past the freeway. The bell rings but Ms.Wentowrth asks Zack to hold up a second. She tells him she was insulted, offended, and slightly turned on by the sight of Screech with makeup all over his face. Just kidding. She tells Zack she’s gonna give him until Friday to re-do his presentation and that she wants Zack to go see her friend Chief Henry after school. Aside from that being illegal, Zack says he has track practice in the afternoon and a big meet against Valley on Friday! Ms.Wentworth tells Zack that if he fails her class, the only place he’ll be running to is summer school. Ooooh, snap!
In the next scene we see Zack arriving to the garage / trailer park home of Ms.Wentworth’s friend, Chief Henry. Chief Henry is an old Native American man decked out in a denim vest, bathing suit, and Dodgers cap. Okay, let’s take a minute to figure out exactly HOW Ms.Wentworth and Chief Henry know each other? I’ve come up with three possible answers; 1.) They’re banging 2.) He’s hooking her up with killer meth or peyote or 3.) They met at UCLA. The episode leads you to believe three but it’s clearly one or two given that Chief Henry is a burnout who lives amongst filth in a converted garage. Zack tells this weirdo he’s here for info for his three-minute presentation and would like to get the hell out of this trash pile Chief Henry calls a home as soon as possible. CH, after first noting that Zack appears descended from one of those “Malibu surfing tribes” (natch), hooks Zack up with like eight million books about Native American culture and sends him on his way. We then cut to the The Max where we see Zack deep into serious study (serious study denoted by Zack drinking coffee). The gang is trying to help Zack as, apparently, everyone’s future hinges on winning the big track meet against Valley that Friday. Jessie is also still pestering Lisa about her dickhole ancestors. Jessie is willing to do nearly anything to assuage her all consuming guilt. Lisa asks her to just please shut the fuck up!! We’ve come a long way Kunta Kintae. Zack can’t deal with this studying nonsense and heads off to school to see if Belding can get him off the hook. Mr.Belding is also deep into track madness. He calls Ms.Wentworth into his office and tells her to knock this report shit off so Bayside can win some sports trophies already! Calm and collected (possibly thanks to some of CH’s stash), Ms.Wentworth says the better win for Zack is a good education. Laaaaammmmeeee!! She also says Zack had thirty days to get this done plus an extra three. Belding did not know that tidbit of information. He is also not aware that, as principal, he’s Ms.Wentworth’s boss and can veto her decision. Maybe he figured that out later and that’s why we never see her again? Anyhow, Zack has to finish the report. Back in his bedroom, he and Screech are going over the mountain of CH’s books when Zack spots the same picture of the Indian dude he found in his shoebox in one of the books. Apparently, Zack’s Indian relative was a chief. For no explainable reason, this piques Zack’s interest. Perhaps Zack thinks he’s now entitled to some land or at least comp drinks at a casino somewhere? Zack heads back over to CH’s dump and asks why he didn’t tell him that his ancestor was a chief? CH says because Zack didn’t ask. Doh! Zack compliments CH on the beaded headband he’s making and asks if he learned to make those on the reservation? CH laughs and said he learned at a UCLA class. Har har, stupid white man! Zack wants to hear more but CH has plans to surf so Zack will have to come with him. The chance to learn while he burns sounds like a great idea to preppy as well as giving him some later day lyric fodder. We’ll get to that eventually I’m sure. Back at CH’s, Zack, now a Native American scholar, says adieu to CH. CH wishes Zack good luck on his report tomorrow and gives him the headband he was working on which reads “Running Zack”; Zack’s hip, cool, boss Indian name. Righteous!
The next day in Ms.Wentworth’s class, Zack arrives dressed head to toe in Native American garb with a really fucking serious look on his face. The class looks at how goddamn silly Zack appears and collectively believes they are fucked for the meet tomorrow. Having a little faith, Ms.Wentorth lets Zack speak. And speak he does. Preppy’s tossing out names and dates like it ain’t no thing culminating in Zack’s chieftain ancestor making a big speech to the white men about how his tribe has lost everything so he will no longer fight. Man, what a king kong pussy Zack’s ancestor was? The class erupts into applause having learned a lot about living and a little about loving. Zack gets an A to the delight of Mr.Belding who has been pacing outside Ms.Wentworth’s classroom like it was a delivery room. The gang wants to go off to the pep rally at The Max but first Morris has to call someone. At the pep rally the gang is once again decked out in their track suits as Slater gets the school psyched by introducing his favorite “quick chick” Jessie. What Jessie’s position on the track team is I’m not sure. Jessie then introduces the man of the hour who’s going to rid Bayside of its cloud of shame, Zack Morris! Zack Morris everybody! Uh…Zack’s not there!!?? Screech says Zack is so fast no one saw him come in! Slater responds, I’m not making this up, by saying “that’s because he’s not here you twink!” I’m not going to read too much into that but I always assumed Screech was a power bottom if anything. Ahem, moving along. We cut to Ms.Wentworth’s class where she and Zack are busy staring off into space together. I guess CH stopped by with a fresh batch to celebrate? Actually, we find out that CH has shuffled off to the big pow wow in the sky. Zack is distraught as he has never lost anybody close to him before. Good grief! If a dude he knew for only 48 hours passing away emotionally destroys him, lord knows what’s gonna happen when , say, Mr.Tutle kicks it? Zack says there is no way he can compete in the track meet tomorrow and goes home. That night we see Morris in a fit of restless sleep when, suddenly, who should appear but the ghost of Chief Henry! AAAHHHHHH!! Relax, he’s not out for revenge. Zack’s seems pretty okay with being haunted after first being assured that HE’S not dead. He’s also cool with CH being in a Christian heaven rather than the traditional Native American afterlife. The SBTB writers play pretty fast and loose with theology throughout the course of this series probably because their target audience was twelve. A speech by CH about how his soul is now a proud deer because life doesn’t actually end because the soul is everlasting and it’s just matter that changes form, not spiritual energy, and blah, blah, blah…would only serve to have the kids click over to Thundercats even sooner. CH tells Zack that heaven is the bomb. Zack says he’s conflicted about running in the meet tomorrow. CH has no idea what his death has to do with winning a race but that the answer is in Zack’s hand. CH disappears and Zack wakes up. It was all a dream. But then Zack looks in his hand to see he was holding the headband CH gave him which now conveniently says “beat Valley” on it. AAAHHHHH x 2. The next day at Bayside, everyone in the school is huddled around the hall staircase to hear Belding’s motivational speech. Figuring Zack is a no show, spirits are low. Way to make the other kids on the track team feel special, Mr.Belding. Jessie is STILL apologizing to Lisa. Lisa, finally having enough, says that if she wants to make it up to her, buy her a car. Jessie says that’s foolish. ALMOST AS FOOLISH AS FEELING GUILTY FOR SOMETHING YOU HAD NO CONTROL OVER IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!! LESSON!!!!! The two knuckleheads embrace. Race war over. Belding is still trying his damndest to motivate the kids when who should appear at the top of the stairs but Running Zack! Emboldened by his fever dream, Zack tells Belding he feels fine and will lead the team to victory the way his ancestors did NOT lead their people to victory. Or something. Zack dedicates his future victory to CH’s memory and off he goes. Ahhhhh. What did we learn today? We learned that having ancestors is cool, that racism can be forgiven with a hug, that you can clearly be Nordic and also a Native American, and that winning track races is the most important thing ever. Also, your teacher is totally banging a creepy Native American man who lives in a trailer. Good luck getting that image out of your head. One love.
homeless_wino)
Balls. Another College Years episode. I’ve made my feelings on this series perfectly clear already and this episode exemplifies the fact that the College Years were scripted by people with HUGE chips on their shoulders who loved playing puppet master to Zack’s misery. I don’t know if I care to delve too deep into this one but it’s Friday and the office is pretty dead right now so it’s either this or that game where you try to pop the balloons to free the prizes and not anger the tiki god to keep me entertained for the next 7.5 hours. Ten to one the balloon game is going to look reeeeaaallllll good in about a paragraph or so. Let’s get on with it. Episode # 1 ‘Guess Who’s Coming to College?’
Technically, the pilot doesn’t count in terms of episode listings as it was filmed without NBC knowing if it was going to give the series the go ahead or not. Good choice NBC. Eye roll. So here’s episode one. It starts out with Zack up at a curiously early hour making coffee and pop tarts for himself and a mystery person. Zack has really hulked up for this series. Like, he easily came up a weight class or two. I guess him and Slater made liberal use of the weight room at Malibu Sands over the summer. Because it’s the 90’s, the wardrobe department has updated the gang’s look to reflect the cutting edge times they live in. Zack is often seen in the College Years episodes sporting a long john top, jeans, Timberland boots, and the ugliest, obviously Sears bought flannel shirt in existence around his waist. Grunge rock! He also has a really shitty haircut. Think Dawson in the first season of Dawson’s Creek. Gross. Speaking of Dawson’s Creek, I was thinking the other day, after I drink this well dry, of maybe starting a new blog where I recap episodes of the ‘Creek but talk about that gang’s journey into pathos in a whimsical, carefree way. Example: “ …then Jen is hanging out on the docks having a party with her friend Aubrey when, whoops!, klutzy Aubrey takes a spill into the water! Oh, Aubrey! Now Jen’s being a crying pants. Stop crying, crying pants!!, etc…” Huh? Huh? Yeah, that balloon game’s looking pretty damn good right about now. Anyway, we see that Zack is bringing Leslie, his suitemate who he wants to have intercourse with, some breakfast because it’s registration day. Ahhh, registration day. That fabled day where, after you give your respective college a shit ton of money, you wait in line for hours to sign up for classes only to find that all the classes you need are filled and you’re going to have to be in college for another six years just to finally take that Famous Crippled, Poor, Minority, Blind, Retarded, Repressed Author’s of the Sixteenth Century course you need so you can finally graduate, get a shitty job, and begin the lifelong process of paying back your student loans. The best years of our lives, folks. Drink it in. Zack’s cool, he’ll take what he can get. Leslie, on the other hand, is an uptight bundle of nerves about getting to registration early so she can sign up for Ice Queen 101 or something. Zack tells her to relax and that he’d like to take her to dinner later. Leslie, not one to pass up free food, says ‘yes.’ It’s a great day to be Morris. At registration Zack gets a bunch of typical freshman classes. He seems particularly jazzed about his anthropology class for some reason. PS.) That’s going to bite him in the ass big time later. Mwah hah hah! Slater signed up for the dumb jock course load that includes classes dealing with VCR programming and television watching. California U runs an Apex Tech division apparently. I kid. Leslie gets most of the classes she wants. She bitches to Zack who assures her he’ll listen to her complaining at dinner that night and, to avoid having to hear her speak more than is absolutely necessary, he scored two tickets for them to the REM concert that Friday. REM were like the DMB of the early 90’s in that liking them made you appear cultured and sensitive to women and their songs were just loud enough to drown out the screams while date raping them in your dorm room. Style AND functionality. Leslie says she’s psyched for both and her and Zack walk off while he sings ‘Some Guys Have All the Luck.’ Do you have the feeling that the writers are lulling Zack into a state of total contentment so they can run him over with the jackknifing Mack truck of life later? If so, you’ve probably already seen an episode or two of the College Years. Freeze the frame here people. This is as happy as Zack will ever be during the course of this series and it’s just seven minutes into the first episode. I told you the writers were vindictive assholes. Just as Zack and Leslie walk away who should walk in but that pumpkin headed, harbinger of doom and heartbreak, Kelly. She’s baaaacccck.
We’re back in the dorm later that evening as Zack and Leslie return from their date. Zack is wearing jeans and a ship captain’s blazer for some reason. As they approach the door to Leslie’s room in their shared suite Zack basically already has the condom halfway on. Leslie, queen of the blue balls, says that though she likes Zack and had a great time, they probably shouldn’t date. She uses a very Zack Morris-esque metaphor about how Zack, being scum, will just trade her like a baseball card for the next hot piece of ass he sees. Zack, while not disagreeing, begins to mumble before he strikes up his own plan to reverse psychology the fuck out of Leslie. Zack says he agrees they shouldn’t date because he doesn’t think he’s ready. He tells Leslie that his high school girlfriend Kelly died in a tragic boating accident. He shows Leslie her picture (why he still carries a picture of Kelly around after three years of not dating is anyone’s guess though it’s pretty fucking sad) just at the moment Kelly, totally not dead, walks through the door. Leslie is shocked and appalled! Zack tries to play it off but Leslie storms off in a huff. Kelly is super psyched to see Zack and says that she’s moving into the same suite. Zack inquires, of the 30,000 other students at California University, how the shit did she get placed in his suite? Cue Screech. Yep, nothing a little misguided computer hackery can’t solve. Doh! The three embrace while Zack tries to stab Screech in the ribs. Kelly settles into her dorm where we see Alex fretting and moaning that she didn’t get any of her drama classes and has to take gay ass history instead. Poor stupid baby. Down in the cafeteria (aka: The Falcon’s Nest), Slater runs into Mike. They discuss classes. Turns out, Mike is finishing his masters. That makes a little more sense but again, why is he living in a dorm? Whatever. Slater tells Mike about his dummy course load. Mike reminisces about taking the same classes back when he was an undergraduate. Then, like a steroid crazed ghost of Christmas future, tells Slater he found out the hard way that the real world had no use for someone who was awesome at frisbee. The real world DID apparently have a use for someone who was really good at running into people very fast. But that’s beside the point. I think? Slater tells the old giant man to buzz off. Grunge rock x 2! Meanwhile, Zack is plotting to get Leslie back. He enlists Screech to illegally hack the school’s computers again and put him in all the same classes as Leslie. Nothing a good stalking can’t fix right? Screech is also making some cash on the side renting his big, dumb bike out to people who have classes all over campus. Slater laughs at this idea but, because the writers of this series are all bitter, angry nerds, it will be Screech who has the last laugh. We’re in the dorm again where Zack and Kelly enter after having spent the evening hanging out and getting re-aquatinted. Kelly expresses her fear of the future to Zack. Her confusion. Her worry. She’s come to the conclusion that the only way to move forward is to firmly mire herself in the past and does he think it’s possible that they can “start things up again?” Before preppy (he doesn’t get called preppy in the series now that I think about it) can respond she begins furiously making out with him and dry humping his leg. Decision made.
Later, Leslie, still pissed at Morris’s murder story, sees that Zack has arranged his schedule to be in all her classes. She fixes this through the liberal use of White Out brand correction fluid. The next day, Zack walks into a classroom that’s all Chinese people. Zack asks one of the students not if this is a certain class but if Leslie is in this class? How the fuck would this kid know? There’s 30,000 students at California U remember? Turns out, Leslie, through use of a Bic pen, put Zack in advanced Mandarin. The teacher will not speak English and proceeds to clown Zack in Chinese while he explains his situation to the teacher. So Stoooppiiidddd!! Zack hunts Leslie down and confronts her. He tells her he didn’t know Kelly was going to come back and that while he wants to bang as much as possible, she’s the closest donut to the table right now and it’d be really cool if they can maybe work shit out? Leslie says she’ll think about it. Later that night, Zack meets up with Kelly who wants to know if they’re going to get back on the hobby horse? Zack blows her off before running into Leslie who thinks that maybe she should give Zack a second chance. Zack finds himself at a poontang crossroads and elicits the help of his friends. He barges into his room where Slater and Screech are fast asleep and tells them his conundrum. They don’t give a shit. Zack is really selling the anguish of being torn between two women. Normally it takes all his sleazeball energy to get just ONE woman to agree to be near him. Now, through virtually no effort on his part, he’s got TWO fine honeys begging for the Zack attack. Slater and Screech still don’t care and could he please shut the fuck up and let them sleep? They have class at 2pm for christssake! Leslie barges into their room and says that she wants to give it a try with Morris. Zack says ‘sure’ and then goes off to tell Kelly she’s going to have to find an attractive anthropology professor to soothe her hormones. While trying to explain this to Kelly’s who’s half asleep, Zack keeps getting distracted by her skimpy nightgown and, on the spot, wants to date her again. He says he’ll be right back as he has to tell Leslie. Leslie meets him in the living room and, once again, Zack has a change of heart and wants Leslie. Kelly comes out to confront the both of them. Zack bolts out the door at this point while the two cuckolded ladies agree to talk.
The next day at The Falcon’s Nest, Slater is tired. He switched from idiot classes to mega hard classes that appear to be spread all over southern California. Slater begrudgingly asks Screech is he can borrow his big, dumb bike. Screech mocks him and then says ‘sorry it’s rented’ as some hot girl hops aboard. Screech walks off with said hot girl while telling her he’ll teach her to “work the horn.” Oh dear god! Mike then stops Slater and tells him he ultimately made the right choice by taking nerd alert classes. Slater, in a non-ironic, very sincere, early 90’s sitcom type of way, turns to Mike and says “thanks.” Awwww. What a pussy. Meanwhile, Zack is in the common room of his suite decked out in his Earth-toned finest when both Leslie and Kelly approach him dressed in what looks like medieval wench garb. They say they both like Zack. Zack takes this to mean he’s looking at some three-way action tonight but the girls say, because they both like him, they will never date him. They then snatch his REM tickets and head off to the concert together. Presumably they do some Thelma and Louise type shit over the course of the weekend as well. So there’s Zack, lonely and broke on the couch. Oh, those vengeful writers. Suddenly, Alex comes out of her room dressed in like a bondage outfit. She’s elated because she managed to get into a drama class. She’s also bored. Zack, who can smell vulnerability like a wet dog, inquires if she would like to join him for some Chinese food? She blushes and squeaks out a ‘yes’. Zack looks directly at the audience if only to let us know that, while his love life may have collapsed around him, there’s still about 15,000 horny co-eds on campus available for a good anger / rebound bang. If he has to settle for Slater’s leftovers, so be it. Go forth, oh pioneers, oh pioneers.
sambumbia)
I am emotionally pooped. It's hard to see so many families, all at once, that need a little Christmas magic so desperately. Just had the annual baby party for work. Really hard. especially with 3.5 hours of sleep. Took a nap, need to get cheered up before the tacky sweater party tonight!!!
-D
homeless_wino)
And you don’t stop! Today’s episode is yet another crucial one in that the raw nerve that is Zack’s strained relationship with his father is exposed for all the world to see. And the writers just love jabbing it with a fork. Ouch! We’ll also discuss the feminist bent the writers take when dealing with Slater. Slater, as stated many times over, was meant to be gay in this series. Because of narrow-mindedness on the part of NBC, Slater was instead cast as the a-typical jock. So the writers, refusing to let rules and regulations stand in the way of their art, developed multiple workarounds to use Slater as a conduit for their viewpoints on certain issues without pissing off the top brass too much. Slater is a martyr for numerous causes and issues throughout the series and it’s a testament to the acting abilities of Mario Lopez that he suffered all this shit with a smile and, in many cases, took the writers ideas to whole new levels with his over the top performances. Without further ado, Episode #23 ‘Rent A Pop.’
The episode begins at The Max with Zack telling us (the fourth wall doesn’t mean shit to preppy) that Bayside’s ski trip is coming up. The only snag, there’s no money in the budget for it. I think that’s what he means? Bayside telling their students there’s a fun ski trip planned though there’s no money for it in the budget seems pretty cruel. Though it’s clearly the first example of anyone using The Secret, it’s still a pretty fucked up way to run things. The other theory is that maybe it’s the gang that doesn’t have the money to go on the ski trip? However, as the episode reveals, the first scenario is much more likely unless the school allows students to hold carnivals for their own benefit which, using the lines of thought that Bayside may be a Montessori school, is not totally implausible. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. And we’re getting off track. The point of whatever this is is not to punch holes in the wafer-thin plot structures of each episode but rather wring subtext from its seemingly benign situations. I mean, you’re not wearing sweatpants at the strip club so you can eat at the buffet right? Gross. Anyway, the gang tosses some ideas back and forth about how to raise ski trip money when Slater offhandedly remarks to Zack “I see you’ve already got your ski poles…I’m referring to your legs.” He seriously says that. *ahem*. Zack, ignoring Slater’s advances, suggests some ideas when Jessie says that all Zack’s ideas are dumb and self-serving. Zack then screams “we should host a carnival!!” God knows what part of Morris’s tortured psyche that idea emerged from but the gang is all for it. We jump cut to the gang in Belding’s office pumping the carnival idea down his throat. Mr.Belding debates the idea back and forth as he’s want to normally do when he finally agrees to let the kids put on a carnival presumably using what little money is in the school budget that would have gone to the ski trip. I don’t get it either. I should point out that in the last ten episodes, the gang has convinced Bayside to fund The Max as well as operate a radio station from its basement. Now they want the school to pay for a ski trip for all the students??!! And they don’t understand why they have to have Spanish class in the parking lot? Life is going to kick their asses. And, as we later see, it does. The gang leaves Belding’s office to have a victory party somewhere but Belding asks Zack to hang back a second. Belding produces Zack’s file and shows him that he’s failing two classes, getting a D in another class and that his highest grade is a C in math. Zack’s surprised he’s doing that well in math. Awwww…does someone need a boost in the self-confidence department? We’ll see Zack’s veneer of cool crack a little more in this episode later. Belding says that he wants to talk to Zack’s dad as he’s talked to him mother enough. This oddball bit of sexism disarms Morris because, as we soon see, dysfunctional doesn’t even come close to describing his relationship with his dad, but, more importantly, this may jeopardize his chances of scoring with some ski bunnies.
Back at Morris manner we’re introduced to Derrick Morris, Zack’s yuppie, bronzed, smooth-talking, computer salesman dad. Derrick is a bigwig at his company denoted by the fact that he’s the only other person aside from his son in 1992 to have cell phone (this giant monstourous thing that’s surely giving him cancer several times over) and because he’s always getting calls on that phone. He also wears suspenders. One presumes he has wingtipped shoes and smokes a lot of big cigars as well. Zack tries to bring up his GPA issue with his dad disguised as a problem one of his “friends” is having instead. Derrick is barely interested in between taking phone calls every two seconds. Because parenting is a pain in the dick to Derrick, he cuts Zack off and tells him that if “his friend” didn’t get his act together grade wise, he’d ground him for life!! You know, were he that friend’s dad. Then he walks off to sell more copies of Logo to various companies. Zack daydreams about the ramifications of being grounded for life. He sees himself a withered old man still stuck in his room (the Paula Abdul poster above his bed seems to have aged nicely though) being visited by his similarly withered old friends. They banter for a bit before Zack sees that Kelly has married Slater. Kelly says she waited for Zack for seventy-five years before she couldn’t contain her “urges” anymore. Yeah, I’m throwing up too. The old gang heads off to go see “The Old Men on The Block” (har!) leaving Zack to continue his slow death in his bedroom. The horror. The next day at The Max Zack is telling the gang his troubles when a new waiter stops by their table. Meet James, part time waiter / part-time lousy actor in the Gene Wilder vein and friend of Max who, again, will give anyone a job who wants one. Who knows why James drops his acting resume to the gang but it gives Zack an idea. The next day Zack goes into Mr.Belding’s office and presents his father…James playing Derrick Morris. James plays only a slightly more hard assed yuppie slimeball than Zack’s father actually is so Belding buys James’s performance (which includes threatening Zack with so much extra homework that Belding tells him to relax and that maybe he could just look into a tutor in lieu of ramming his fist up Zack’s ass) hook, line, and sinker. Zack is out of trouble and free to ski his blonde heart out.
In the gym the gang is setting up what’s turning out to be a pretty elaborate carnival. The school has no money for a ski trip yet just enough for a miniature ferris wheel? Whatever. Slater’s working on the dunk tank when Jessie walks by. Remember when I said the SBTB writers used Slater as a conduit for various issues? Well, get ready. As Jessie passes by the dunk tank Slater bets her she could never hit the target on the grounds that she is a weak, pathetic woman like all women are. Jessie, defending all womankind, limply tosses a ball at the target and misses it by a mile. Ha ha. Slater laughs uproariously at the efforts of this enfeebled whore. He says Jessie throws like a girl and should get a man to help her hit the target since all women are incompetent klutzes whose sole purpose is to cook and pump out babies. Jessie, using the collective rage of Valarie Solanas, Gloria Steinem, and Ms.Piggy combined, launches a ball full speed at the target sending Slater into the tepid dunk tank water. You go girl! Slater emerges from the water soaking wet and humiliated. Jesse tops off this metaphorical castration by saying “I didn’t know pigs could swim?” before skipping off to go burn her bra or something. You have to remember we’re still a few years away from that whole Women in Rock / Lillith Fair thing at this point and gender issues were still a pretty big deal in the early 90’s along with fear of black people. The conservative Reagan era attempted to paint the American family as essentially the Cleavers but with an Aspen condo and a hot secretary for Ward to bang on the dl. Due to widespread economic prosperity, women were taken off the front lines and gently nudged back into the kitchen. Yet when it all hit the fan in the early 1990’s, women once more ripped their aprons off, put on some Bikini Kill tunes, and chopped their husbands penis’s off while they slept or shot their mistresses in the face. As Ginger Spice famously said, “zigga zig ahhh.” And here’s SBTB, an allegedly bipartisan television show for children showing all the lil’ Jane Doe’s out there that “you gotta let ‘em know, you ain’t a bitch or a hoe.” Because the SBTB writers couldn’t make Slater gay, they went in the complete opposite direction with his character and made him this cartoonish stereotype of a jock complete with outmoded ideas and opinions. Using Slater to represent the knuckle-dragging macho image fostered on men in the 1980’s, the writers loved to chip away at his armor and swim in the chinks. Slater represents the inherent ridiculousness of ignoring change and sticking to an outdated point of view. His views of woman are always proven incorrect and his view of himself as this man’s man type is constantly undercut by doing things like putting him in a leotard or making him really good at baking. By the time the college years roll around we’re shown a confused, frightened Slater who begins to think that maybe there isn’t a viable career to be had in flexing and punching dudes in the face. He hides behind his more assertive girlfriend Alex and eventually, sheepishly crawls out of the series forever; a full 180 from the macho bluster he displayed when he first appeared in the series. You could call it character development but I prefer to think of it as he was the writer’s instrument for social change. I like to also think that the election of Barack Obama eighteen years later was a direct result of this episode.
Belding walks into the carnival set up to tell Zack how much he enjoyed his talk with his father. He enjoyed their talk so much he sent Zack’s dad a letter inviting to come back for another talk. Uh oh. The next day we see Zack enter Belding’s office with his real dad only to be greeted by James playing Mr.Belding. Man, James must be employing non SAG wages to make it so easy for Zack to hire him all the time. James plays Belding as a bumbling nincompoop who loves Zack and praises him as a model student. Derrick doesn’t care but hearing that his son is knocking it out of the park at school gives him a bit of a metaphorical blowjob so he’ll entertain this guy a bit longer. James as Belding continuous to exalt Zack, suggesting his father buy him a car for being so awesome. Derrick has tuned out but notices the computer on Belding’s desk. Always the hustler, Derrick begins to wheel and deal with Jamesding to get a bunch more computers in the school at a dece rate. He’s good people. He knows a guy who knows a guy. Finally parent conference free and ski trip bound, Zack heads off to the gym to join the rest of the gang at the carnival that’s in full-swing. The carnival is buzzing with students. Considering the school’s taking the student’s money in tiny increments at these carnival games and rides, wouldn’t it have made more sense to tell all the students that if they want to go on the ski trip it’s going to cost x number of dollars and have their parents cut them all checks rather than nickel and diming them out of the same money and putting themselves more in the red by renting this crazy carnival set-up?? I really digress. We gotta see more people get theirs in the dunk tank. At the carnival, Jessie is running the arm wrestling booth. For one dollar you can take on Slater. Pfft! Yeah! That’s a money maker. Thankfully, one of the nerds is being goaded on by his nerd friends to tackle the beast. Slater and the nerd struggle for a minute before Jessie slams Slater’s arm down on the table. The nerd wins!! All the nerds run-off to spazz out and have asthma attacks. Slater inquires why Jessie further tarnished his rep by making the nerds no longer afraid of him? Jessie, in a rare moment of sexuality reclamation, responds “I’ll tell you on the slopes.” Suddenly, the thought of hot tub handy’s from momma at the ski lodge makes the fact that even the wheelchair bound kids at Bayside now think they can kick his ass, a little easier to deal with for Slater. Belding, always one to help facilitate underage drinking and canoodiling on a school trip, offers to get in the dunk tank to help increase the cash flow. Belding begins heckling when who should walk in but the real Derrick Morris. Uh oh!! Zack asks his dad why he’s walking around a high school in the middle of the afternoon? He responds he’s trying to close that computer deal with Belding (and maybe close some other deals while he’s here! Nudge nudge wink wink). Belding heckles Derrick relentlessly until Derrick agrees try and dunk him. Two tries in and Belding is under water making Zack’s dad’s pitching average on par with Jessie’s. I wonder if Slater is going to verbally abuse him as well? Belding comes up for air and shakes Derrick’s hand. Derrick asks who this clown is and Belding says he’s the principal. Da nun. Derrick says he’s not the principal, he met the principal! Da nun da nun. Belding says that this dude isn’t Zack’s dad! He already met Zack’s dad!! Da nun da nun da nun!! Both Derrick and Belding’s mind instantly get on the same page and what’s written on that page is that it’s going to be hard for Zack to ski with two grown men’s shoes up his butt.
That night we’re in Zack’s bedroom as Derrick tries his hardest to be a parent and show human emotion like, concern. He asks Zack why! Why couldn’t he just tell him he was failing school!!?? Zack responds, well, because he’s never around and when he is, he’s always on his ridiculous looking phone. Derrick says that while there’s technically nothing more important to him than Zack and his mother, someone has to pay for all Zack’s hair spray and wall posters and that unless Mrs.Morris wants to start selling some of the hydroponics she’s growing in the kitchen, it’s has to be him. He starts to go on about how disappointed he is with Zack and blah, blah, blah in between fielding about a zillion phone calls. Finally, Zack has to resort to calling his dad on his cell phone with his cell phone to get his attention. Derrick stares at Zack and quickly sees that unless he does something drastic, his son is doomed be just another yuppie hustler like him with a gold card and a big empty space where a soul used to be. Derrick sits Zack down and tries his damndest to remember some of the good times they had together. They can collectively recall two. Oof. Someone get Zack’s future therapist on the phone. One of those good times involved fishing and Zack falling off the boat into the water which makes Derrick chuckle because he’s an inhuman monster. As father and son reminisce about the shitty fishing trip they took like ten years ago, Derrick’s phone of parental abandonment rings. On the other line is a big money offer provided Derrick can catch the first plane out to San Diego. Derrick almost says yes then remembers he has a money sucking, good times killing, shit of a son that he should probably spend a little time with before he becomes a career rapist. Derrick turns the deal down (which probably gets him fired) and tells whoever it is on the phone that he’s taking his son fishing this weekend (it’ll be easier to drown your kid when there’s nobody around. Leave no witnesses!!). Zack and dad embrace thus erasing years of emotional abuse and neglect or at least solidifying enough good will so he can continue to duck out on the family until he’s saved up enough cash to retire where he will then divorce Mrs.Morris and join Jessie’s dad chasing tail at a Palm Springs resort. Salud to the good life!
sambumbia)
I talked to my friend who is the voice of reason and she's right. I just miss classes and I am the type of person that needs to be going in several directions at once. Or at least I need to be a busy bee.
I feel better today, mostly knowing that I'm going to go shop for more sparkly things to wear and I'm going to hang out with the voice of reason.
homeless_wino)
Okay, managed to snag a vacant computer here at work so I’m going to waste precious, precious company time by talking about not one but TWO fucking episodes of SBTB today! Why two you ask? Well, the one they showed from 7:30-8:00am was episode #16 ‘From Nurse to Worse’ is pretty epochal in that it basically marked the end of Zack and Kelly as ‘Zack and Kelly’. It also gives us a glimpse into the cowering little child that dwells within Slater. Running late to work I noticed the episode shown from 8:00-8:30am was episode #19 ‘Save the Max’, another classic where Slater’s self-esteem gets stomped on so badly the fragile little German boy in a German town that lives within him threatens to ooze out only to be sucked back in during a seizure of masculinity on Slater’s part. Get some more coffee kids, it’s going to be a long one. Maybe.
Episide 16 begins with Zack and Kelly outside of Kelly’s house. The snowball of hormones and Eskimo kisses that has been building and building between these two since episode one is so big at this point it threatens to block out the sun. It took months and months but Zack has ground Kelly down to the point of surrender all leading to this opening moment where Zack asks Kelly to ‘be his girl.’ Flustered and confused, Kelly says she needs time to think about it and runs inside to presumably barf her brains out. Zack stands outside a bit stunned when, from off screen, one of Kelly’s little brothers-Kyle-yells at Zack to leave his sister alone and to piss off. Zack, not one to take guff from anyone named Kyle, tells him to eat shit and live. Kyle retorts, knowing full well the lure of his big sister’s panties is too strong to keep Zack away, that should Zack return he’ll “be sorry.” FIGHT!! Anyway, we’re back at Bayside the next morning where the gang is pissing themselves over the mandatory physical they all have to take which comes complete with a flu shot. Again, pretty sure it’s illegal to administer shots in school but again, Bayside tends to do whatever it wants so everyone’s gonna get it in the end. In true retard fashion, Screech is working out so he doesn’t fail his physical. The gang, minus Zack, then heads off to class. As preppy turns to leave he runs into a very hot woman who asks him where the nurse’s office is. Zack, driven by his dick, begins to hit on her. She finally gets directions from this sleazeball before remarking that Zack is “cute. Really cute.” Boi-oi-oing! In class, which is taught by that deaf English teacher Ms.Confusinglastname (aka: Ms.Deafy), the girls are gossiping about Kelly’s big decision. Kelly thinks it’s gonna be a ‘yes’ and Lisa vows to spread it all over school. Thanks, I think? The deaf lady babbles for a bit before Mr.Belding gets on the school intercom and tells everyone physicals are about to begin and that the flu shots are painless. How painless? To calm everyone down, Belding decides to get one while on the PA system. One tiny poke and Belding is screaming and yelling like the nurse jabbed him in the nuts. This does nothing to calm Slater down who we see begin to shrivel into a tiny scared woman right before our eyes. Jessie is first to go to the nurse and is given an eye exam by this very mannish looking nurse. The nurse says Jessie failed and needs to get some glasses. Distraught, Jessie flees the nurse station. Belding calls the mannish looking nurse over the PA to report to his office as he feels like he’s going to die. Old, ugly leaves just as Zack walks into the nurse’s office. In ugly’s place enters the super hot, miniskirted hot girl from the hallway. She’s the new nurse! Nurse Jennifer. Zack starts creaming his drawers and generally begins to act like a spazz in front of her. Jennifer thinks he’s sweet but is concerned about his sudden fever and rapid heart palpitations after giving him his flu shot. Too much soda and Cookie Crisp in the morning for old Morris. Zack’s got it bad, got it bad, got it bad…he’s hot for..uh..nurse. Jennifer says he’s fine but Zack’s got the H1N1 of love and the only cure seems to be deep tongue kissing Jennifer. We cut to The Max where Jessie is fretting about having to wear glasses. She tries on about three of the ugliest pairs of glasses ever made and asks the gang how she looks. The gang all but puke in her face before telling her that glasses are the worst and they will basically stop being friends with her if she wears them. What’s momma to do??!! Slater is frantically trying to get out of his flu shot. He’s faked a letter from his “mother” whom he refers to as, I’m not making this up, Baretta Slater, excusing him and wants Kelly or Jessie to sign it. They refuse. Bitches. Back at Bayside Kelly is roaming the halls with Morris on her mind. She approaches Screech (who is, yep, still working out) and tells him that she’s going to agree to go steady with Zack. Screech cheers. Kelly says not to tell Zack who’s coming their way. Screech immediately tells Zack that Kelly’s answer is ‘yes’. Zack says, “great, but what was the question?” Ooooooohhh shit!! We cut to Zack’s bedroom where we see peppy decked out in his finest 80’s suit (a bizarre, three sizes too big gun metal grey type thing. He’s also rocking a yellow tie over a turquoise dress shirt. Bla-dow!) talking to himself in his mirror. He’s practicing delivering pick up lines to Jennifer when Jessie bursts through his bedroom window. It’s cool, they’ve been friends since first grade, a fact brought up repeatedly throughout this series to excuse all kinds of inappropriate shit on both their parts. Jessie asks Zack why he blew off Kelly this afternoon? Zack, after swearing Jessie to secrecy because they’ve been friends since first grade, tells her he’s now fallen for the hot school nurse and that hog-faced Kelly is old news. Jessie tells Zack he’s a pig and tries to choke him out with his tie. Again, it’s cool, they’ve been friends since first grade.
Later that day we’re in Ms.Deafy’s class. Kelly asks if Jessie found out why Zack’s been being a douchebag to her? Jessie says she talked to him and he was “really choked up.” Kelly accepts that non-answer because, well, Kelly’s an idiot. Ms.Deafy has a brand-new, supersonic hearing aid which provides some laughs before Mr.Belding walks into the room and tells Slater it’s his turn for a flu shot. What a nice personal touch. I’m sure there wasn’t more important things Mr.Belding could have been doing. Somehow the entire student body is aware of Slater’s crippling fear of needles and taunt him about it on his way out the door. How Slater managed to intimidate anyone after that point is beyond me. In the nurses office we see Zack anticipating Jennifer’s arrival still decked out in his Miami Vice best. Jennifer approaches, surprised to see Zack again, Zack says he’s not feeling well. Jennifer leaves the room to go get her thermometer (where the shit is she keeping it if not in the nurse station? Her car?) and pulls the curtain partition around Morris. Enter Slater. Zack, believing Jennifer has returned, asks if it’s her. Slater, always looking to fuck with Zack, mutters “mmm mmm.” Zack begins to pour his black heart out to what he believes is Jennifer. He renounces Kelly and proclaims his true love for the nurse. He yanks back the curtain only to be confronted with Slater’s pouty lips saying “take me, I’m yours!” No, he really said that. Pssst..Sltaer’s gay remember? Zack, truly embarrassed, pleads with Slater not to tell anyone. Slater relishes the fact that this info can “destroy you with Kelly.” Zack says he’ll do anything. Slater tells him to take his flu shot for him. The mannish oaf of a nurse comes in and demands to know which one of them is AC Slater. Zack raises his hands to Slater’s delight. He begins to roll up his sleeve when the mattress with a stethoscope instructs him to turn around and drop his pants. I’m sure it’s doubly illegal to give a kid a shot in the ass in a public school but I digress. It’s also interesting to note that Slater doesn’t leave the room at this point. Uh huh. Also note that they recycle this two flu shot scenario in one of the later college years episodes I wrote about. Lazy. Just lazy.
At the Max, Jessie is still complaining about wearing glasses. The gang has pretty much had it with her. Zack walks in and asks to speak to Kelly alone. Zack delivers a crazy speech rife with metaphors about how he and Kelly are two nuts in the forest and need to roll around and fuck as many other nuts as possible before they dig their roots in and begin to grow the tree of soul-crushing marriage together. Kelly’s confused but Zack just runs away. The gang approaches Kelly and asks her what the problem is? Her response: “men, especially Zack Morris!” Slater (who, by the way, is wearing a black tanktop underneath his pink tanktop to, I guess, cut down on nipple sweat stains?) replies “don’t judge us by our worst specimen!” Yep, Slater’s checked out quite a few dudes in his time and decides Zack gets no snaps. Slater, Lisa, and Jessie huddle back up at their booth in The Max where Jessie lets drop, in very obvious code, that she knows Zack wants to bone the nurse. Slater too, obviously hints he knows what’s going down but they’ve both been sworn to secrecy. Lisa instantly picks up on what these dum dum’s are talking about and threatens to go to the nurse to resolve this. They all rush off. Back at Bayside, Zack reveals to Screech that he wants to get his dick wet while also still getting some from Kelly. Let a playa play! Because he believes Kelly will not stand idly by and watch him bang all of her friends with hopes of a call on Friday night, he asks Screech if he can hook Kelly up with one of his nerd friends to take her mind off of Zack but still leave her longing for the preppy poke? It’s both funny and sad to watch Zack decide that he wants to throw away everything he’s worked for in the past two years and sixteen episodes with Kelly just when she’s at the point he could probably talk her into anal in favor of using his newfound playboy status to score some older tang. As the series progresses, Zack learns that an endless series of one night stands and bad blind dates really sucks and watching his friends all settle into relationships just makes him more and more jealous until the shit hits the fan in college and he realizes that it was meant to be him and Kelly all along. But by that point he’s a broken man frothing at the mouth with heartache. Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose. Except for Jessie where hindsight is 3000/6 billion or something unless she gets those glasses. Screech says ‘can do’ and has the perfect guy in mind, Melvin Nerdly (nope, sorry, NOT the Toxic Avenger). Zack asks if he’s cool. Screech replies, “not as cool as me!” Phew. Meanwhile at the nurse’s station, Slater, Jessie and Lisa are dropping dime on Zack and his plans. Jennifer is disgusted and says she’s got a perfect plan for revenge. Jessie also wants to re-do her eye test because she can suddenly read the eye-chart fine. Jennifer says her eyesight’s perfect and that it was the old nurse who couldn’t see shit which is why she’s retiring. I sure hope Ms.Deafy gives her supersonic hearing aid another go before the ageist hiring policy at Bayside forces her into early retirement too! Later, Jennifer calls Zack (who’s wearing the Cosbyiest sweater imaginable) in to the nurse’s station. Jennifer has done her hair up like a bird’s nest and is wearing black stockings all in an attempt to boner Zack to death. Jennifer tells him she’s in love with him and Zack says the same. Jennifer says the only problem is her abusive pro-wrestler husband with the anger problem. She says it’s nothing Zack can’t handle. Zack suddenly remembers he’s a fifteen year old whose balls just dropped and suddenly his voice shoots up three octaves in fear as he rethinks this whole thing. Jennifer also says she wants to get married and have lots of babies. This is all too much for Zack who still wears Transformers Underoos and he breaks out asap! Zack sprints to Kelly’s house to confess he’s made a terrible mistake. Kelly says she can’t talk right now because Melvin Nerdly’s over. As we soon see, Melvin is not only on the chess team but also the hockey, football, and baseball teams as well. Oh, he also models sometimes. Oh, and his cock is fourteen inches and the width of a milk carton. This too old and too good looking to be in high school dude leaves after telling Kelly he’ll see her tomorrow and punching Zack in the shoulder (seriously). Kelly tells Zack she really likes Melvin and that tonight he taught her chess and tomorrow he’s going to teach her Lambada (Ooooh! The forbidden dance!!). So the episode ends where it began. Zack’s on Kelly’s front porch, alone, dressed like an asshole when – who should re-appear – but Kyle. Kyle tells Zack to fuck off. Zack tells Kyle to suck his ass. Kyle reminds Zack that he warned him and reigns down what we’re lead to believe is a gallon of boiling water on to preppy. Things definitely did not come up Milhouse for Morris this episode. What did I tell you about SBTB’s staunch moral compass? The needle pretty much ass raped Zack in this episode. Wipe your tears because we’re now moving on to…
Episode #19 ‘Save the Max.’This episode begins with Zack and Screech digging around the school’s basement either looking for discreet places to bone or huff nitrous in, I guess. They stumble across a room decorated with various band posters from the 60’s. They yank off the tarps covering what very well could be a pile of dead bodies to reveal a fully functioning radio station console! What luck! I was personally hoping for bodies. After Screech shits on John Lennon for a bit, Zack tells him to plug the console in to see if it works. Screech does but not before he electrocutes his hair into an Eraserhead-esque mess. That was obviously Yoko Ono sending nasty vides Screech’s way. Turns out, the console works. Apparently Bayside used to have a radio station. Yayy! More ways to not have to go to class! The gang confronts Belding with this information where we learn that, yes indeed Bayside had a radio station, KKTY. And it fucking kicked fucking ass because it was helmed by the most boss big daddy hood rat of the day, the Big Bopper who we see, via flashback, was Mr.Belding! Yes sir, turns out, Belding was a Zack Morris type during his stay at Bayside. In between tuning in and dropping out, Belding spun tunes and generally got up his principal’s ass. I guess we all become what we hate in the end? Siiiigh. Apparently, due to Belding’s hippie antics, the radio station was taken off the air. The gang pleads that it would be dope as hell if they reinstated the radio station. Belding thinks it’s a bad idea but then the gang starts chanting “Bopper! Bopper!” and there’s nothing a good chant won’t have you backing down from. Belding relents on the grounds that he approves everything that goes out on the air. No ‘Cop Killer’ for these kids. Drats!
We see the gang a few days (or weeks, I don’t how long it takes the FCC to get you a snow code and reinstate your call letters and all the other things I’m sure Bayside did before putting KKTY back on the air) later discussing KKTY’s format. Zack is the leader and is going to do whatever the fuck he wants. Lisa gets a gossip show, Kelly gets a phone sex show or something, Screech tells scary stories, and Jessie delivers the news. Hey! What about curly Conan? Slater mentions he’d like to do a sports show because, get this, sometimes when he’s at home he turns the sound on games off and does the play by play himself. Once again, his best friend is a lizard. Awwww. With the format all set KKTY explodes on to the airwaves. People are loving this shit. Then Slater steps up to do his sports show. Oh man. Somehow, Slater has ingested the work of every hack comedy writer and gag artist over the past two hundred years and is regurgitating their output all over Baysides’s sports teams. He’s all bad puns and bicycle horn sounds for five minutes. It’s really terrible. The gang, minus Slater, convene at The Max to discuss the radio station. They’re also scheming ways to get Slater off the air without hurting his feelings. Murder is one idea bandied about. The gang fears it may also just be their impossibly high aesthetic standards and maybe Slater’s not so bad after all. They decide to ask the vox populi of Bayside and poll a random sample of students that includes; a huge white dude, a medium sized black dude, and a small jewish dude. These guys are pro KKTY but anti Slater so much you’d think he was raping their mothers over the airwaves. That confirms it. Slater’s got to go. But then Slater shows up with more notecards full of crappy puns and the gang starts to reconsider the murder idea. Max, in an uncharacteristically gloomy state, shows up with the gang’s food- a bunch of tiny hamburgers. The gang tells Max to knock it the fuck off and bring them their real food. Max says this IS their food because his supplier raised their prices and he’s had to cut back. Oh noes!
Back at KKTY, Zack thinks he’s come up with a solution to the Slater problem. He hands Slater his re-written cards that have been reduced to just scores. Slater may be dumb but he’s not stupid and senses something’s awry. Awry with mustard on the side! Ba-dump! The gang pussyfoots around telling Slater he’s the shitttiest radio personality ever until he reads a whole pile of KKTY suggestion sheets that other students have filled out all saying Slater is worse than the holocaust. Slater asks if the gang agrees and they all look at their shoes. Well! Slater most certainly knows when he’s not wanted and storms off in a huff after one last bicycle horn honk. Seriously. Awkwardness out of the way, Jessie did some sleuthing and uncovered that Bayside owns The Max. The fact that their school is letting the place where they all go to get fat and get pimples close down is viewed as an injustice and Jessie takes to the airwaves, admonishing Bayside’s administration. Suddenly we’re in Mr.Belding’s office where his bosses have been reading him the riot act about allowing this lesbian, backwoods, hippie to defame them on the radio in between Belinda Carlisle singles and the all Hooters power hour. Belding is pissed and says it’s TTFN for KKTY. The gang protests, doesn’t Belding care about The Max? Doesn’t he still have a little bit of the Big Bopper floating around the frozen wasteland of his soul? How can he let the administration turn The Max into a parking lot or another detention hall!!?? Why can’t he convince the school board to appropriate some more of its overtaxed funds into a money-losing restaurant venture? Shit, there’s enough underprivileged kids at Bayside already! Just do it maaaan! We thought you were cool! Belding kicks them out. What a dick.
The dénouement of this episode takes place at the almost out of business Max. The gang uses KKTY for one last hurrah to stage a telethon to save The Max by trying to raise enough money to buy it from Bayside. How this will help his supplier issue is anyone’s guess. But the gang has a phone bank and one of those fancy display boards that let you keep updating your money intake. The telethon starts out hot. People care. In walks Mr.Belding. He’s been thinking; maybe the sweet life of a high school principal has made him soft and forgetful of the days when he used to burn flags and have acid orgies with Valley High students. He agrees The Max is worth saving and revives his Big Bopper persona to generate more $$$ from listeners. Cut to either five minutes or five hours later and Mr.Belding has bludgeoned the telethon into the ground with his greaser shtick. The money counter hasn’t moved in some time. Zack can barely talk. Just when it looks like all hope is lost, in walks our man of the hour, the defamed and belittled, Slater. AC takes one look around at all the sleeping bodies in The Max and the non-ringing phones, grabs the mic and screams for everybody to wake the fuck up!! Look, the whole world may hate him in this episode but Slater says that Bayside and The Max have been the only places where he felt he truly has friends and family. Yikes! Slater says that if you even give a little shit and just enjoy smoking weed out back behind its dumpsters, get off your ass and pledge money to The Max or else he will crawl through the phone lines Lawnmower Man style and beat the fuck out of you! Not surprisingly, this works. The phones start ringing and Slater is once again a hero. The Max is going to be saved. Presumably, so has KKTY. Disco fries, Ah-Ha, and indigestion for everyone!!
So there you have it. Two episiodes that shoot Slater’s reputation to shit and one that tears Zack and Kelly apart. What more could you ask for your Saturday morning dollar? That was exhausting. More tomorrow. Maybe.Bike horns.
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Ahhh…an episode that’s just typical gang shenanigans. I don’t know when this update’s gonna happen so I apologize if a few days have gone by at this point. My home computer’s broken again and for ridiculous reasons too stupid to discuss here, I don’t have a computer at work at the moment either. I’m currently using my fiancee’s old computer where half the screen doesn’t work and that shuts down for no real reason unexpectedly. If someone out there wants to donate their decently working computer to me or some publisher wants to give me a retarded advance for my future book: Belding’s Boys: A Tale of Emotional Emptiness and Tanktops OR How to Do the Sprain in Ten Easy Steps, that’d be cool and shit. All asides aside, today’s episode is # 28 ‘Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind.’ The episode begins with Zack shooting a movie at Bayside using the school’s lone camera. A huge mass of nonsense, this thing must have cost a billion dollars as both Mr.Belding and Jessie, the school president, basically start sweating shit ever time Zack moves with the camera. Belding straight up tells Zack he trusts him about as far as he can throw him with the camera and that he’ll knock Preppy’s dick in the dirt should anything happen to his beloved camcorder. None of this is Jessie’s concern but Jessie’s a massive neurotic who’s about three episodes away from nearly OD’ing on No-Doz so any excuse to get a hair up her ass she’ll gladly jump at. She believes it’ll reflect poorly on her as class president if Zack breaks the camera Belding put him in charge of regardless that it has nothing at all to do with her. Women, am I right?? LOL. Anyway, in this school movie, Screech is an alien, Jessie is a principal, Kelly is a cheerleader, and Lisa is a miniskirted nurse. Look, I know softcore porn when I see it and Morris is clearly shooting some Cinemax shit here. They poorly act some bad acting before Jessie pops Screech in the face, knocking a tooth out, and Zack dropkicks the huge camera out of Slater’s hands breaking it into a million pieces. Oh man, the gang is fucked city Africa! Zack, always cool under pressure, calls a meeting at his place to figure out how to keep Belding’s foot out of his ass. The gang figures out they have like seventy bucks between them, which, while it won’t pay for the $1500 camera, it will buy Zack a ton of anal lube for Belding’s dong of justice. Thanks to a plot device, Screech is reading The Babbler, a Weekly World News type of paper. Screech spots an ad wherein the paper will pay you $3,000 for a dece picture of an alien. Shit! They’ve got an alien costume, this paper seems pretty stupid…let’s make that money! Back at school Jessie has dressed herself as a Spanish senorita to avoid Belding asking her dumb questions like where the fuck is his really expensive camera? Seriously. She’s about three feet from the brink. Zack blows her cover and gets her chewed out for a bit by Belding. Screech shows up and reveals his quack dental work which thanks to a messed up filling, lets him pick up radio stations when he opens his mouth. I guess his mom is planning on suing or something. I dunno, that seems pretty illegal and malpracticy to me.
Some days later the gang is chilling at the Max waiting for their fat check from the paper to arrive when in walks a bumbling clown of a man called Johnson who inquires about their alien picture. He purports to be from The Babbler and asks them about the alien and promises them more scrilla if the gang can actually SHOW him the alien. Since cash rules everything around Zack he agrees. Johnson is psyched though unsure of the weird kid that has police chatter coming out of his mouth. Thanks to good ‘ol deus ex, the gang has rigged an elaborate light and costume spectacle to blow this dude’s mind complete with, I’m serious, Screech ripping his own face off to reveal an alien mask. It’s pretty awesome actually. As the gang walks off to pat themselves on their collective shoulder for a job well done, Johnson gets on the phone and tells his boss – his BOSS AT THE ARMY- that they have found an alien and he will bring it back to DC to be cut up and filmed for Fox and shit. Uh oh! Yep, ‘ol wacky Johnson is actually a colonel in the Air Force. Yep x 2, the US Government is trying to discover aliens by putting ads in a supermarket tabloid. Insert Bush family inspired diatribe here. The next day Col.Johnson, still faking being a reporter for a crappy paper, visits Belding and drops some knowledge on him that his star pupil, Zack Morris, is friends with an alien , aliens are real, there’s an alien in his school, and he should probably get to higher ground or something. Belding laughs in his face, tells him to stop touching his stuff, and that Zack Morris is one more detention away from serving jail time. Stop being a moron. Johnson fumes that this is not over and then leaves effectively making this scene over. Johnson then confronts Zack and Screech and reveals who he really is and his plans to take Screech to DC with him and make a snuff film out of his parts and if they try and stop him he will throw them all in whatever the 1992 version of Guantanamo was. While highly illegal and unethical, Johnson’s big speech scares the holy hell out of them. So filled with scare dump is Screech’s pants that Zack, in a rare show of selflessness, invites him to spend the night. Oh yes, we’re back in Morris’s bedroom. Apart from the Three Stooges poster and other things no fourteen year old would ever have hanging on their wall, Zack also has a rad Apple II GS computer with separate dot matrix printer. Big ballin’!! Zack’s trying to sleep while Screech is busy typing up his will on said computer. He says it’s imperative Lisa get his bug collection. Fuck his mother! Zack tells him to stop being a pussy monster and worrying about the Air Force colonel, and lying to a federal agent, and possibly being thrown in a maximum security prison, blah, blah, blah and just come to bed. Yep, what?, can’t two teenagers sleep in the same bed? They’re lifelong friends. A between the sheets bromance. Settle down. Before Screech can go to sleep he needs to pray. Seriously. I think it’s nice that a man of science is not too bold to admit there are still things out there that that gaylord Einstein didn’t figure out a hundred years ago with his apples and e=mc2 nonsense. Zack is pissed. Zack is master of his own fucking goddamned destiny. He runs with the devil! Yet he still sits up in bed while Screech is praying and makes some Catholic inspired hand gestures as Screech more or less blasphemes for a minute. Then they make love. I kid. It was just a little oral sex.
So it’s time to throwdown. Zack shows up to Bayside with Screech. Col. Johnson, in full military regalia, begins to take Screech away before Zack tells him to stop, puts a REALLY lousy Screech mask on (it looks like someone melted a Larry from the Three Stooges mask) and proclaims he too, is also an alien! Suddenly like every student in Bayside comes out with the same lousy Screech mask on. They are all aliens. If he wants to take Screech he’s going to have to take all of them!! Two levels here folks. The SBTB writers feel you young America! Not only have they entertained you for twenty-five minutes with a wacky story about space monsters, they have also given you a metaphor about the feelings of alienation within every American high school student. We may be different…but we’re all the same maaaaaaan! And this shit is free on regular network television folks. You gotta give it up. You really gotta. Shamed and humiliated, Col.Johnson flees Bayside after Belding chews him out for lying to students. Bayside will not be built on a web of lies!! Where is his camera by the way? Huh? In any event, Belding and Zack shake hands on a job well done what with tricking a lying Air Force officer who was planning to kidnap one of his students. He suggests him and Zack team up again but Zack is a lone wolf and tells him to buzz off. The message may be we’re all the same but the moral is youth, youth, youth!
Sorry there wasn’t too much pathos to squeeze subtext out of this episode (outside of Zack and Screech’s bedroom tryst) but what do ya want? It’s a show for kids fer chrissakes! Sometimes it’s just gonna be stories about abduction and perjury. Get back to work already!
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How was everybody’s weekend? Just to assuage all the people who texted me this weekend’s doubts, yes, I really, honestly, truly, and deeply auditioned for Saved By the Bell: The New Class. My last post was 150% truth. In fact, when I’m at my folk’s place later this week I may even try and dig up the tape as my family only ever owned about seven vhs tapes (they were: one 3 hour compilation of about five years of home movies, the Jane Fonda workout, and a few of those TMNT Burger King-exclusive cartoon tapes) so it shouldn’t be that hard to find. Unless it is in which case, you’re just going to have to take my word for it. Moving along, today it’s senior skip day at Bayside! A day where the administration looks the other way at your absence and your significant other looks the other way as you hardcore cheat on them. Oh, youth. Episode #57 – ‘Cut Day’
The episode opens with the gang at a student council meeting. Many people think it was because Zack got a 1502 on his SAT’s that he got accepted to Yale. But, looking back on it, people forget his veritable mountain of extra curriculars. Seriously, Zack was on every goddamn team and a member of every fucking club Bayside offered. Sure it was because all there was waiting at home for preppy was a big, cold, empty house, ten bucks taped to the ‘fridge, and note saying “Call 911 if there’s a fire. Be back at some point. Xox, mom and dad” left on the kitchen counter but, hell, with all the time in the world to get caught up in drug abuse and alcoholism, Zack chose to join the debate team instead. Morris got spirit, yes he do! One of the nerds tells the other students he got enough student council votes to start Gilligan’s Island Cancellation Day of Mourning at Bayside. This is one of the numerous times the writers link watching Gilligan’s Island to being a nerd. Gen X hadn’t hit yet and irony was a few years off from being every 13-65 year old’s stock in trade but still, Gilligan’s Island has always been the number one tv show for stoners after Scooby Doo. It was its birthright considering its titular fucking character was Manyard G. Krebs, the world’s first proto-stoner! Nerds watch Star Trek! Burnouts watch “the ‘Island.” Maybe NBC owned the rights to Gilligan and would have to throw CBS like $0.50 every time someone showed up wearing Spock ears being the reason for this choice but I prefer to think of it as a result of naiveté on the writer’s behalf. That or the scene with Screech and his nerd friends blazing up outside the theater before a midnight showing of The Last Starfighter was cut by censors. Mr.Belding walks into the student council meeting just as it’s wrapping up to discuss ‘cut day’ which will be taking place tomorrow. Mr.Belding, who is a fucking dickbag supreme in this episode, reminds the kids that though cut day is a tradition, any student skipping class will still receive an unexcused absence. Oh, btw, TEN unexcused absences equals a suspension (that makes no goddamn sense but Mr.Belding often plays fast and loose with the school rules if it somehow gets him more alone time with Zack. Seriously). Belding also remarks that someone in this very room already has NINE unexcused absences! Everyone leers at Zack. Damn, that’s some cold blooded shit. Zack pitches a fit about fairness but Belding laughs in his face and says he’ll see him in school tomorrow. As the council kids start to get their coats on, Graham – Bayside’s male hippie - jumps to the front of the class and says that they need to address the Styrofoam cup problem at Bayside. He says there’s a new shipment of cups coming in to school tomorrow and he would like everyone to show up for his feeble protest where they will try to bar the delivery of these environment killing beverage carriers. Naturally, Jessie is the only one who cares what with her being the second most self-righteous person at Bayside. Out in the hallway, Zack is cursing god for his shitty luck. Slater laughs at him and tells him that while he’s dealing with eight hours of study hall, him and Jessie plan to spend the day swapping body fluids. Not so fast there curly Conan! Jessie is gonna be at school tomorrow! Yep, Jessie “any excuse to not have any fun” Spano is going to join Graham’s THC, excuse me, CFC inspired protest rather than have fun at the beach on cut day. Slater doesn’t feel an ounce of guilt and says that while his girlfriend is off doing some gaylord crap like “trying to save the planet”, he’ll be on his Styrofoam boogie board and hanging out with Zack’s recent-ex, Kelly. Damn, that’s fucked up even for Slater. Slighted and emasculated, Zack gets up in Slater’s face and says he’ll bet him one hundred dollars (the amount they ALWAYS bet at Bayside) that, though he’s supposed to be in school all day tomorrow, he’ll show up every where Slater goes during cut day. Slater takes that bet. Hey! A hundred bucks can buy you a shit ton of pink Ocean Pacific tanktops!
The next day we see Zack, Jessie, and Graham are the only kids in school. The teacher starts to take attendance but then literally says “fuck it” and begins teaching. The teacher continues talking about why America will not elect a female president? Graham, perfecting the lines that will one day have him neck deep in dreadlocked college girl poony, says that it’s an outrage that America is one of the only first world countries to not elect a female leader. He cites England’s election of Margret Thatcher as an example of how much better that country is than the US. Um…I guess it didn’t matter that Thatcher enacted a crap load of unpopular policies all throughout the 80’s that had British people literally screaming for her head because she had, you know, a vajayjay. Speaking of poonies and vajayjay’s, Graham’s feminist speech has Jessie’s woman parts turning to mush. She tells him that she never realized there was a sensitive man at Bayside. Zack is in the back of the class throwing up. Mr.Belding walks in specifically to make sure Zack is in school. The devilish delight he takes in Zack’s misery this episode is really disturbing. Belding leaves and Jessie tells Zack there’s no way he’s getting out of school today. Hold you horses, momma. Zack’s the “top dog of schemes”, remember? A nerd walks in and tells the teacher Zack is to report to the library immediately to deal with the $86 in fines he’s amassed. Those Danielle Steele books won’t return themselves preppy! Off Zack goes. Cut to The Max which has been tricked out in honor of cut day. Because it’s a day of no rules and hedonism, The Max has furnished students with some more adult oriented entertainment like Wack-A-Gator and bumper pool. Slater is doing that classic “I’m gonna help this girl hold the pool stick correctly as a means to rub my crotch on her bum” thing to Kelly when who should walk in the door but Morris. Striking a deal with the nerd, Zack was able to momentarily leave Bayside to rub it in Slater’s face. Slater’s concerned but believes Belding will get the best of Morris by day’s end. Kelly looks kind of ashamed that she let Slater publicly grope her. Back at school, the teacher of the next class tells the kids they can do whatever they want since no one is there. Jessie and Graham take the opportunity to paint multiple protest signs. Why they need more than two is beyond me but they appear to still be holding on to the ridiculous notion that more kids are gonna come join in on their protest. Hey! Foolish dreams and a misguided sense of rebellion is what being young’s all about. Shit, I wore nail polish and dyed my hair green for a majority of sophomore year! Fucking anarchy in the UK or something!! Zack’s not interested in saving the planet but he is interested in Slater’s money. He boosts one of Jessie’s paint cans and heads off to the parking lot. I guess Belding’s stipulation is that Zack just be in school, not necessarily attend class because Zack spends a good majority of this day at Bayside aimlessly roaming the halls or parking lot. Belding checks in on Zack only to hear over the school’s PA that his car is being towed because he parked in a red zone. Yep, preppy painted the school’s curb (very illegal). With Belding distracted for at least ten to fifteen minutes, Zack rushes off to the movies where the gang has moved their cut day festivities to. They’re watching a monster movie and Kelly is creeped out. So creeped out is Kelly that she gradually pushes herself deeper and deeper into Slater’s oily chest with each passing minute. Slater, abiding by the man code wherein, it’s not cheating if you’re in a different zip code than your SO, is loving this shit. Oh but here comes Morris to ruin the magic. Kelly apologizes to Zack for sitting so close to Slater. Just to remind you, Zack and Kelly broke up at the end of last season. Kelly’s apology either bespeaks a relationship that was full of physical and mental abuse or that Kelly is worried Zack will freeze time on her and then off himself, forever trapping her in an interdimensional prison. Zack doesn’t care. He’s more concerned with making Slater sweat. Slater tries to act cool if only because his shirt lacks sweat catching sleeves. Meanwhile, a few rows back, Lisa is almost tricked by Screech into eating chocolate covered grasshoppers. This is after Screech poured burning hot popcorn butter on her. Oh, young love.
Back at school it’s almost time for Bayside’s big Styrofoam cup delivery. Jessie and Graham have their signs and are ready to block the entrance of the school’s cafeteria. The cup delivery turns out to be one old guy with one single cardboard box. All the better! Jessie and Graham get all up in his shit, screaming, shouting and getting patchouli oil all over the poor delivery dude who’s probably making $5 an hour to put up with this crap. Like it’s his fault one of the items he delivers in his truck is made out of non-biodegradable materials. If anything, the bigger waste is the amount of diesel fuel burned up so that the delivery dude could bring about twenty six Styrofoam cups to Bayside. I digress. Mr. Belding shows up and tells the two to stop hassling this dude and that if they want to enact change they should go write a letter to the school board or future vice president Al Gore or something. Belding spots Zack sneaking around the halls and tries to bust him when Zack grabs one of the four hundred errant protest signs hanging around and says he’s part of the movement now maaaan! Grrrrr! The stupid first amendment saves Zack again. You think there’d be a free Mumia rally happening elsewhere in the city so that Zack, Jessie, and Garahm could all get what they wanted that day? I guess The Fifth Estate paper doesn’t make it that far west? Wow, I’m in tangent town again. Excuse me. We go to a very elaborately decorated beach set in the next scene. The writers, once again demonstrating that they have no idea who in the hell their target audience is, have reconstructed the famous dance scene from Beach Blanket Bingo complete with Screech wearing the same weird hat the nerd guy in that movie wore. Hey! If you’re fifty years old and looking for something to masturbate to while at the same time, bring back memories from yesteryear, the SBTB writers have got you covered! Slater and Kelly are seriously doing “the swim” to the music on Slater’s boombox. After their dance off, the two relax in their beach chairs as Slater rubs tanning oil over Kel Kel’s supple bod bod. The grope-fest is broken up by Zack who we see dressed like Michael Myers. Screech asks him why he’s wearing a janitor’s uniform? Zack says he paid a school janitor to put on a blonde wig and take his French test. I don’t know how much a school janitor makes but I’d need a good amount of $$$ before I dress in drag and take a kid’s test for him. Even if Zack wins the bet he’s probably only going to break even after paying off the janitor or at the most, eek out a $5 profit. But this is not about money!! It’s about principals (both literally and figuratively). Slater broods once more. Screech tries to hook Zack up with some chocolate covered grasshoppers but Zack shines on that (though saves them for later). Morris catches a few rays before heading back to Bayside. Back at school, Jessie and Graham are lamenting their failed protest. Graham (who by the way is the angriest, wiry, neurotic kid I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s probably going to get voted “most likely to wear a beret, start a chapter of the SDS at his college, and blow his dorm room up accidentally making a bomb” in Bayside’s senior yearbook) tells Jessie that at least they tried to make a difference and that it’s important to keep fighting. Jessie all but starts sucking him off right then and there in the classroom. The teacher of the class gets handed a note saying that tragedy has befallen her and she rushes off. Zack gets a call on his large cell phone from Slater asking him if the teacher got the note. Slater, knowing Belding’s every move, sent a phony note to the teacher because with her out of the way, he knows full well Belding is going to take over the class. Point Slater. Zack curses his luck as, indeed, Belding takes control of the classroom from the departing teacher. Belding also lets Jessie and Slater leave for the day. But Zack has to stay. Jesus Christ! Is that even legal?? As Jessie and Graham leave, Jessie says they should go to The Max for a victory shake to celebrate the earth inching one day closer to death. Suddenly, Zack’s soul wakes up from its long dormant state and reminds him that if those two go to The Max, they will see Kelly and Slater freak dancing on the floor and all of their relationships will be ruined! Why Zack suddenly gives a shit about his friends to the point where winning $100 is now secondary to making sure no one has their heart broken on cut day is beyond me and very out of character for Zack. You’d think he would relish that since he’s basically lost the bet, at least Slater will be humiliated when he finds out Jessie and Graham have been bumping ‘no justice no peace’ uglies all day? In any event, our blonde knight Zack is now seemingly up a river without a paddle. Zack sees defeat and heartbreak looming on the horizon until Belding lets slip that, while he loves watching Zack suffer, chasing him around all day left him no time to eat lunch and that crushing one of his student’s souls has not satiated him fully. Praise be to Allah! Zack’s saved. He inquires if Mr.Belding would like some candy? Belding says yes and Zack pulls out the box of chocolate covered grasshoppers Screech gave him earlier that day. This episode runs like a LucasArts RPG! (nerd alert) Belding noshes down on some crickets before Zack reveals what it is he just ate. Belding runs off to throw up and Zack sprints to The Max (he’s a track star after all).
At The Max, Slater and Kelly are canoodling. Zack flies in frantically looking for them. Slater says Zack’s too late. It’s past 3pm and now Zack owes him some dough. Zack seriously says “never mind that” and is only concerned with finding out if Jessie and Graham are already there? You would honestly believe he and Slater made a side bet where, if Slater catches Jessie cheating, Zack has to be his love slave for a month given how concerned about his friend’s relationships he is!? No one knows what the fuck Morris is going on about but it’s all in vein when Jessie and Graham walk in together. Sensing a hippie beat down, Zack takes a seat out of the way to watch the sparks fly. Jessie and Slater have “the talk” and both realize they spent the whole day with people they don’t hate for once. They both come to the sensible conclusion that, hey, if neither of them can stand the sight of each other, maybe they should date other people? Now, they don’t “break up” per se, rather, they agree to date each other on occasion but to mainly date other people whom they actually like and are attracted to. The gang is blindsided by this mutual separation and the episode ends with one third of the newly single gang sharing celebratory burgers and hi-fives before Slater and Jessie go their separate ways to bang the shit out of their new love interests. We assume. Visualize whirled peas.